They would narrate memories so innocently, cast aspersions so gently that they landed without a flutter. But she knew that they were not malicious by intent - it was more an instinct of self- righteousness, a 'holier than thou attitude'.
Well-meaning adults of that era would have imbibed such nasty traits of pettiness – without realising it- and would vehemently deny if confronted with it. They believed that they were the epitome of Humanity, consideration benevolence and compassion. However, their statements in fact were most judgmental, tactless and insensitive. They would cheerfully narrate stories of seemingly harmless anecdotes- but would very casually insert nuggets of criticism and mockery. They would however couch it in a deceptive aura of amusement, fake appreciation what we call as back handed compliments.
She was told how the children of her family would come to the temple tank wearing red konakam- loincloth. They said that they looked so cute and charming- wearing the red ones- the ones that only children of the ____ community wore- and not what the Ambalavasis wore. The Ambalavasi children –wore the white ones…
Another story that was meant to regale was how her grandfather neglected acknowledging them during earlier days- in spite of being his kin- however he was overly attentive to the others from the ‘Big House.’ – implying that this was because of the latter's higher standing in society. How they would wait eagerly to be noticed by the illustrious uncle- the grandfather - but never did and how they had felt so hurt.
How her grandfather was so fond of wearing gold jewellery- multiple chains and rings…all this was said in a tone of apparent casual mention masking the veiled scorn.
Then there was this other story of how he did not think twice about usurping a water pot that was gifted to his daughter at her wedding- which would have actually been so useful for the latter because she was to live in a place where water was scarce.
She had also been advised to be kind and not demand share of the family property and be generous to the said aunt!! Talk about crossing boundaries and that too based on false assumptions and in the pretext of being benevolent and compassionate.
There was this other tale of how her proud grandmother had this infamous rivalry with another matriarch of the ‘Big House’. How they vied with each other for putting down the other- a constant show of one up man (woman?) ship. All these stories were undoubtedly narrated with harmless intent and was being shared for mere conversation- and she had to sit there listening feeling very blessed to be privy to such enticing family lore. She was thus regaled by such stories of her family’s pettiness and foibles in a tone of benevolent banter.
She used to get very incited in the earlier days because she had to listen to these stories attentively and with feigned interest. To have responded in any other manner would have been inappropriate. Her indignation would have been perceived as hypersensitivity, misunderstanding innocent banter as malicious- that was so not done, and so she would sit right there listening to the stories of her family’s indiscretions and foibles with amicable nods and a sagacious smile.
She was informed with a cheeky chuckle how the children of her family were called the ‘Dark pack’ because they were dusky in complexion – and hirsute to top- this was hilarious because while the ‘smooth, hairless band took pride in their ‘smooth skin’- her family sneered that the ‘hairless’ were butter skinned- including the men- because obviously to be macho one needed to be blessed with a fair amount of hair. So, Body shaming was the norm and was indulged in like there was no tomorrow-
Sensitivity, kindness, tact, compassion was gibberish- and for the ‘touch me nots’. To take offence to such ‘harmless’, ‘witty’ banter would have been sacrilegious. One would be labelled as intolerant, over sensitive, fussy, and temperamental to imagine insinuations in mundane conversations!
As a young bride, one was eager to impress with one’s housekeeping skills, cooking prowess. One went to extraordinary lengths to keep everything spic and span- but when the inspection retinue arrived- woe be to you- as if they would even notice the effort! The ‘benevolent’ family that they believed themselves to be, would rearrange every single thing in the house- including the delicates in her cupboards. Her saris would be cut up to sew curtains- without even a cursory ‘by your leave’. All the groceries would have changed places, and she would have to hunt for condiments in her own kitchen. One evening, when she had returned after an errand, the dining hall had been transformed into the storeroom and vice versa .
For years, she tried to convince herself that these were all acts of kindness and magnanimity. Eventually, when she had learnt to navigate her way through ‘housekeeping- they still found it necessary to guide her. Much later, when she finally asserted her freedom in her own home it was perceived as an act of rebellion!
