When R and M first mooted the idea that I participate in the coming car rally , I was incredulous and simply said NO. I didn’t even pause to give it a second thought. I could not, I would not. I had no idea what being a participant ( that is other than the driver ) – entailed and I wasn’t even curious. Experimentation, adventure was never me. Sticking to comfortable, familiar terrain – literally and figuratively has been the story of my life.

R asked me again some weeks later when she was giving out the application forms. The ‘NO’ came out easily again. By then I had heard that the non driving participants needed to do ‘navigation’, decipher ‘tulip’ charts, and my Nemesis – Math. M was not one to take a No that easily though. She asked me on Face book, followed it up with sms, and now, I had to find some plausible excuse that would persuade M off my case. I pleaded my poor navigation skills, my Math phobia- she had a solution for all my misgivings. There was no shaking her off. Besides I was touched by her affectionate persuasion.

I was beginning to think on different lines now. Joining this exuberant, friendly NIE team here, two years ago had changed my life in more ways than I had ever imagined. Those who know me from my pre NIE days would be able to understand and appreciate the changes I’m talking about. And so I thought- why not? I called up my other friend C – a veteran rally participant- and she was so enthusiastic about my participation that she convinced me it would be great fun. I got back to M and said that I was game. She assured that it would be a good experience.

I spoke to V ( my husband) and he was totally thrilled about the idea of me participating in the rally. He wasted no time in announcing to any one who cared to hear about the great event- not the rally but his wife’s participation in it.

I called up R, and before I uttered a word, I could hear the smile in her voice as she said, “So A, you’re joining the rally. M has already informed me!” She too reassured me that she’d find me like-minded team members and that was it. There was no turning back.

After Saturday NIE sessions, B took me to her beautiful home, lovingly stuffed me upto my nose with a delicious lunch and after a most relaxing siesta, we set off for the briefing for the rally.At the briefing session, I was awe struck by the sight of so many up beat women of all ages.. I observed the proceedings with much interest.

This is an all women car rally- the TDS rally- Time, Speed, Distance which is NOT a race, as they kept reminding us. Each team comprised of 3 members - the driver, a navigator and a passenger. There were 48 teams in all. We were supposed to cover about 77 kms in 3 hrs, to stick to the alloted speed, strict following of safety rules, remembering to wear seat belts, following the route chart, fill up a time chart and questionnaire en route and most importantly not get lost. The best part was , my partners- the driver and the other person, (whom I was meeting for the first time) seemed to be equally clueless as to what was supposed to happen. But that minor detail did not dampen our spirits. Besides, the person who gave us the briefing did say that, as Novices, if we were unsure about the proceedings, we need not break our heads about the calculations and stuff, just stick to the tulip chart and the speed limit and enjoy the whole experience. That sounded good enough for us.

Next morning, my husband and son accompanied me to the starting point. R and M welcomed me exuberantly and I was happy to be there. My team members soon joined me and there was lots of cheering and Best wishes being thrown around. All the participants wore the T shirt and cap and soon we set off on our respective vehicles with our kit bags.

My team members and I were more concerned about not getting lost than anything else and so we kind of laxed up a bit about doing the Math and stuff. The route was mostly through the outskirts of Trichy- through mud roads, with lots of animal population, villagers looking askance at a caravan of cars crawling through their apology of a road. We managed fairly well initially and felt pretty relaxed and confident. However further down the route, we did get confused. We kept going back and forth searching for a particular deviation in the route but never found it. We ended up missing out an entire stretch and reached back at the starting point first. We were a trifle embarassed at reaching back much ahead of the expected time , but the organizers welcomed us with much applause and asked us if we enjoyed the experience. We were still a bit shaken wondering how much of the route/ how many check point marshals we had missed and so perhaps were not too voluble in our response. We had no inkling about the number of penalties we may have accrued along the way.

We had not won but my friends and relatives made such a fuss about my adventure that I felt like a winner all the way!

( R, M,C and B are my colleagues and dear friends).

Article in The Hindu

Saumya's blog

Scarlett tagged me .

I’m to share the five things that I love about Motherhood.

Motherhood- a concept of an experience that has been glorified to the point of unattainable saintliness. An image that I have struggled to live by, to reach up to, to achieve. An ongoing journey filled with joys and travails, where I keep stumbling, picking myself up, brushing the dust off me, where sometimes the wounds do heal but the scar remains . Yet, I’ve to keep on going till my last breath- once a mother- always a mother. However, whether it be the beautiful memories or the painful ones, Motherhood is cherished like a Blessing. Every day, every moment , a new petal unfolds among the thorns. The fragrance remains…

The vestiges of motherhood was always there, intrinsic, ingrained into my soul- from the first moment I picked up my first doll:

"You were hidden in my heart as its desire, my darling.
You were in the dolls of my childhood's games; and when with
clay I made the image of my god every morning, I made the unmade
you then. ( ‘The Beginning' - Tagore)

Motherhood is a part of my essence, my foremost priority- a constant awareness which reflects in every thought, action, feeling. Like my mother says, my brother and me feels like an extension of her mind, body, soul…

Motherhood is that part of me over which I have little control. It is like I’ve climbed the roller coaster and cannot get off. Sometimes it scares me, sometimes it thrills me, sometimes I squeal with joy, sometimes I howl in agony.

Motherhood means Unconditional Love? Do I understand this word? I’m not too sure. Loving with absolutely no expectations? May be not in tangible terms but I think there is a lot of expectation in terms of emotions, feelings…

Motherhood means, confusions, dilemmas, anxieties .

Motherhood means wanting desperately to do right by your children, not ever going wrong at any cost.

Motherhood means wanting to be fair at all times.

Motherhood means worrying endlessly about seeming biased, being biased.

Motherhood means being paranoid about having caused hurt inadvertently.

Motherhood means aspiring to rise above being a mere human with flaws and frailties and achieving saintliness in being able to wipe clean from memory all bitterness, hurt and pain.

Motherhood means the regular guilt trips , constantly judging oneself , torturing oneself about having felt certain emotions which are not associated with Motherhood at certain moments.

Motherhood means being able to identify situations when to invisible and unheard, and when to be there with no questions asked, no ‘I told you so’s’.

Motherhood means being unable to hear others speak unfavourably about your child.

Motherhood means glowing with pride at the achievement of one child and aching for the other one at the same time worried whether he will feel insecure.

Motherhood means remembering the absent child every moment, especially when you make his favourite dish, watch his favourite movie, hear his favourite song, and most painfully when you hug the other child.

Motherhood means wanting, willing, praying for The Best for your child in spite of anything and everything.

Motherhood means, watching, waiting, Learning...and accepting.

Motherhood is one long, unending Prayer.

Motherhood means forgetting to count…

Talk about regularity or routine and the first person to come to my mind is my Appachhan- my grandfather. He was the kind of person that we might describe as one could set the time by .

He was up at dawn, with the Khaddar mundu tied around his chest and no dentures. He would gaze at the pictures above his bed – that of Lord Dhanwanthari and his Guru. Then followed morning ablutions.

He would emerge after bath with the fragrance of sandalwood lingering in the air. The flowers would have been picked and arranged ( by ammamma or me during the holidays) in the ‘thaalam’ ( plate ) to be taken to the temple. After putting on the cumbersome 'methiyadi’ ( wooden sandals) he would march to the temple. On his return, he would go into the puja room, sit on the wooden platform (aavani palaka ) and chant shlokas aloud in his resounding baritone . Next it was breakfast time, after which followed a kind of ‘Durbar’ session with his friends in the adjoining hall. All kinds of topics- current issues, Sports, Arts, Politics everything would be discussed and there would be laughter too. I hardly understood what was going on but the memories and the ambience lingers with utmost clarity.

He would then change into his Khaddar shirt which kind of reached his knees. It was now time to go to the Nursing Home.

Evenings would see him writing his diary meticulously and neatly. There have been times when others have retrieved records after referring to his diary. His ‘Dinacharya’ was on clockwork mode and we told the time by the sound of his footsteps.

However, there was one thing that did not quite work for him by clockwork- and that was his lunch time. Consultation with his patients made him lose track of time and ammamma would send rice gruel/ soup or Horlicks through the hands of the house help.

More about my Appachhan :

Fragrant Memories

Death- Ultimate Reality

and one by my cousin sister in Malayalam

ഞങ്ങളുടെ അപ്പഛൻ

My Husband! He makes me guffaw , actually go ROTFL literally and figuratively. He has this habit of coming up with the most random one liners off the cuff , all the while poker faced. Needless to say I'm in splits and go all blue in the face. His 'jokes'? They can't be defined as jokes by any standards. Just the most absurd, spontaneous comment. So sudden and unexpected that I get the impression he also heard of it only after the words have slipped out of his mouth. His comments have this picturesque quality about them that the moment I hear it , I see it in Zoom video. I’ve always been notorious for my explosive guffaws. I’ve managed to startle myself with my peals of laughter. The moment I start off like a machine gun my husband gets into panic mode trying to ‘shhush’ me into silence. He thinks I might terrorise the neighbourhood. He mumbles "veTi poTTikkaan thuTangi” which means 'there she goes bursting fire crackers'- as if it was entirely my fault. His ‘jokes’ have this habit of replaying itself in my mind in the most awkward moments, and I’ve a tough time trying to control my chortles. I’ve to admit that I can laugh at his ‘jokes’ even when he repeats them!