As the date of my going on stage approached, I was filled with a gamut of emotions- excitement, thrill, anticipation, fear, joy, misgivings… Practice sessions were frequent. I had to request my tuition girls to grant me leave until after the 18th of Jan. Every evening saw me cook dinner and then boarding two buses to go for my rehearsals. Kids stayed back home after school, and DH picked me up on his way back home every evening.
My friends and relatives knew how important this event was for me and even those who were far from me geographically were as excited and happy for me. I received encouragement from all sides. I can never thank them all enough .
The anxiety that I was feeling were due to several reasons: I was worried about the total expenditure that we would incur. It was a great burden on my heart but my husband re assured me that it was worth it and encouraged me constantly. Still the thought haunted me.
Another fear was if I would fumble, falter or forget my steps on stage. Again, my near and dear ones gave me confidence and courage.
I was also concerned about how I would help my tuition girls with catching up with their portions.
However, in spite of all these anxieties, I enjoyed my rehearsals completely and forgot everything else while I was at the classes. My knees still pained but it was much tolerable. Only the bus rides were a bit tedious because it used to be jam packed.
Finally the D-Day dawned. My amma , mema( aunt), cousin, her husband and Vallyamma (MIL)were with me. We had stage rehearsals the previous evening. For the first time in my life, I performed to the accompaniment of live orchestra. It was a totally different experience. The stage was sprawling and I was bewildered. My Guru gave us instructions as to how to cover the stage, stand, face the audience everything. The other girls had done this before and seemed to be at ease. The little ones who were doing it for the first time seemed cheerfully nonchalant.
I helped to compose the MC material and enjoyed doing it.
We had to reach the hall at 11 a.m on the day though the program was scheduled to commence only at 6.15p.m. I was the first to reach there with my box of accessories, costume and precious salangai. Soon the others followed and the make up room was opened for us. The make up artistes were from Chennai and they set about doing up our hair almost immediately. The air was festive with the little ones prancing around excitedly. What was most endearing was the way how everyone- the other girls, both the seniors and juniors, the mothers who had accompanied them were all so affectionate and helpful. We had brought lunch from home and everyone shared with one another. The senior girls kept reminding the boisterous little ones not to tire themselves out. I kept getting sms’es and calls from my friends and well wishers wishing me luck. I was not feeling completely relaxed and tried to take deep breaths and kept chanting for most of the time.
When my face was done, and I looked into the mirror, I was not too happy with how I looked. But the other girls assured me that I looked fine. We helped one another with the costumes. My mother, Vallyamma, aunt, cousin came to the green room to see me. My cousin wanted to click me and I posed for her self consciously.
Finally it was time. My Guru blessed us, did salangai pooja and wished us Luck. The lights dimmed and I waited in the wings with a pounding heart. The music started, the beats began and I stepped into the arc lights- on the stage…what happened afterwards I cannot describe. How does one put into words the unfurling of a Dream- The Magic of a Transcendental Experience? The energy that pulsated within my spirit as I took my steps to the rhythm of the Music Beats – perhaps I could call it Resurrection?
It was an invocatory item- Pushpanjali- a floral tribute seeking the Blessings of The Almighty, The Guru, The Accompaniments, and The Audience for a successful performance. As I bowed in front of my Guru, I was overcome by a feeling of immense Gratitude. The piece moved smoothly- and as I danced my way towards the exit finally- I entered the backstage and I broke down into huge hysterical sobs. I had had no inkling that it was coming and I was unable to stop myself.
All the other girls waiting there gathered around me offering words of comfort and solace. They were so overpoweringly affectionate and concerned – it was all so overwhelming. Someone offered water, another gingerly dabbed my eyes reminding me not to smudge my make up! Slowly, I regained my composure and after those cathartic moments, I felt strangely subdued and blank for the rest of the evening.
After the next couple of items, it was time for me to go onstage again. I was no longer nervous and yet I made a small mistake. The evening went on smoothly and friends and relatives showered me with compliments. My loved ones treated me as if I were a celebrity! I accepted all the affection, appreciation gratefully, though by now, I was feeling like a third person and everything was happening to someone else and not to me.
Gratitude- Immense Gratitude, A sense of complete, Total fulfillment. A feeling of being filled with Blessedness, deep Gratitude- yes I just have to keep reiterating the word Gratitude- again and again... for Everything- a sense of utter Humility...wonder and lots and lots of Love that I am at the point of Bursting. Every word that I wish to utter is choked by sobs the tears come gushing forth- not out of sadness but just sheer joy... I have no words to express- no language can quite do justice to express what I feel...so I just bow my head with closed eyes and folded palms in prayer.
My friends and relatives knew how important this event was for me and even those who were far from me geographically were as excited and happy for me. I received encouragement from all sides. I can never thank them all enough .
The anxiety that I was feeling were due to several reasons: I was worried about the total expenditure that we would incur. It was a great burden on my heart but my husband re assured me that it was worth it and encouraged me constantly. Still the thought haunted me.
Another fear was if I would fumble, falter or forget my steps on stage. Again, my near and dear ones gave me confidence and courage.
I was also concerned about how I would help my tuition girls with catching up with their portions.
However, in spite of all these anxieties, I enjoyed my rehearsals completely and forgot everything else while I was at the classes. My knees still pained but it was much tolerable. Only the bus rides were a bit tedious because it used to be jam packed.
Finally the D-Day dawned. My amma , mema( aunt), cousin, her husband and Vallyamma (MIL)were with me. We had stage rehearsals the previous evening. For the first time in my life, I performed to the accompaniment of live orchestra. It was a totally different experience. The stage was sprawling and I was bewildered. My Guru gave us instructions as to how to cover the stage, stand, face the audience everything. The other girls had done this before and seemed to be at ease. The little ones who were doing it for the first time seemed cheerfully nonchalant.
I helped to compose the MC material and enjoyed doing it.
We had to reach the hall at 11 a.m on the day though the program was scheduled to commence only at 6.15p.m. I was the first to reach there with my box of accessories, costume and precious salangai. Soon the others followed and the make up room was opened for us. The make up artistes were from Chennai and they set about doing up our hair almost immediately. The air was festive with the little ones prancing around excitedly. What was most endearing was the way how everyone- the other girls, both the seniors and juniors, the mothers who had accompanied them were all so affectionate and helpful. We had brought lunch from home and everyone shared with one another. The senior girls kept reminding the boisterous little ones not to tire themselves out. I kept getting sms’es and calls from my friends and well wishers wishing me luck. I was not feeling completely relaxed and tried to take deep breaths and kept chanting for most of the time.
When my face was done, and I looked into the mirror, I was not too happy with how I looked. But the other girls assured me that I looked fine. We helped one another with the costumes. My mother, Vallyamma, aunt, cousin came to the green room to see me. My cousin wanted to click me and I posed for her self consciously.
Finally it was time. My Guru blessed us, did salangai pooja and wished us Luck. The lights dimmed and I waited in the wings with a pounding heart. The music started, the beats began and I stepped into the arc lights- on the stage…what happened afterwards I cannot describe. How does one put into words the unfurling of a Dream- The Magic of a Transcendental Experience? The energy that pulsated within my spirit as I took my steps to the rhythm of the Music Beats – perhaps I could call it Resurrection?
It was an invocatory item- Pushpanjali- a floral tribute seeking the Blessings of The Almighty, The Guru, The Accompaniments, and The Audience for a successful performance. As I bowed in front of my Guru, I was overcome by a feeling of immense Gratitude. The piece moved smoothly- and as I danced my way towards the exit finally- I entered the backstage and I broke down into huge hysterical sobs. I had had no inkling that it was coming and I was unable to stop myself.
All the other girls waiting there gathered around me offering words of comfort and solace. They were so overpoweringly affectionate and concerned – it was all so overwhelming. Someone offered water, another gingerly dabbed my eyes reminding me not to smudge my make up! Slowly, I regained my composure and after those cathartic moments, I felt strangely subdued and blank for the rest of the evening.
After the next couple of items, it was time for me to go onstage again. I was no longer nervous and yet I made a small mistake. The evening went on smoothly and friends and relatives showered me with compliments. My loved ones treated me as if I were a celebrity! I accepted all the affection, appreciation gratefully, though by now, I was feeling like a third person and everything was happening to someone else and not to me.
Gratitude- Immense Gratitude, A sense of complete, Total fulfillment. A feeling of being filled with Blessedness, deep Gratitude- yes I just have to keep reiterating the word Gratitude- again and again... for Everything- a sense of utter Humility...wonder and lots and lots of Love that I am at the point of Bursting. Every word that I wish to utter is choked by sobs the tears come gushing forth- not out of sadness but just sheer joy... I have no words to express- no language can quite do justice to express what I feel...so I just bow my head with closed eyes and folded palms in prayer.
2 comments:
hi aadra..i perfectly understand you..i had started learning to dance a year back..on my 38th year. For a person who was rigid like me and who had no past experience..in trepidation was the foremost feeling. To perform was never in the picture..but i did perform. It is really great to be doing things we desire.desire is a haunting ache that is more than the lust for something more achievable. I share your feelings
Krishnapriya, so good to know that you too were able to realise your heart's desire. I do hope you share your experience on your blog. It would be great to be able to read about your experience,how you went about seeking your dream and how it was realised. I shall be waiting for your post. :-)
Cheers and wishing you The very best.
ardra
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