I wish...

A neighbour left today- her husband has been transferred to Mumbai, and she’s going to join him . Its been only a year since I got to know her- she came here to live in this apartment after her marriage last year. She is a sweet girl, very witty, charming and exudes warmth and cheer around her. Today, she came home to say Goodbye- and suddenly I wished I had taken more effort and time to know her better- I had always felt that she would be great person to get to know more- she had such a cheerful, endearing demeanour- I wished I had endeavoured to go beyond the ‘Hi’s” and casual banter- but I had always thought there was plenty of time left- and today as we said our Goodbyes, I’m filled with regret- and like in the story of the ‘sour grapes’ ,I tell myself- well, if we had got too friendly this parting would’ve been even more painful- still I wish…

Out of Touch

The past week went by without net access- and I survived becos of my dance classes. The pain in my legs is still there but lesser. And one day I lost my purse- a big one – it just disappeared from within my handbag- everything else intact. I had not had an inkling of how it could’ve just disappeared. In fact when I first noticed that it was missing, I thought I might have forgotten to take it from home in the first place- that it could’ve been stolen seemed impossible. But when I looked for it high and low in my home- it was not there- there had been some loose change, a strip of Dart and another of Crocin- and a little metal idol of Vinayaka given to me by my Vallyamma (MIL). I did feel rather desolate abt the loss but my son and husband consoled me-

First my PC crashed. I was busy composing a comment on one of my friend’s blogs- and the screen froze. I proceeded to reboot the pc but it refused to come alive.
The technicians appeared after much pestering and took away the CPU. I suspected some viral mischief but thankfully only a benign fault was diagnosed. However, as usual we got the CPU only after a couple of days.

Next, our Broad band connexn failed to link- now I had to pester the network people- sometimes the line never went thru, sometimes when it did go thru- they never picked the phone- and then they went for lunch for over 2 hours- and eventually if somebody did pick up the phone out of sheer boredom- they asked me to check all the connexns, tug this wire, press that button- and then pronounced the profound judgment that something was wrong with our PC. I requested them to send someone over to check the connexns, but no- they want to set things right sitting right where they were- i.e.- abt 16 kms away from where my pc was located.
It had been a week now since I had lost touch with the world and I was seriously beginning to show withdrawal symptoms…all that I had learnt abt tolerance and patience from my Art of Living Classes was beginning to evaporate- breathing deep- musing over the transience of all things esp. something as ephemeral as virtual world was increasingly becoming difficult to accept- Maintaining a cheerful countenance was becoming impossible and my husband began to recognize the danger signals. He became desperate too that I gain access to the virtual world- to ensure domestic peace in real life…He succeeded in coercing the computer people to come over- and when this angel in disguise came and after twiddling with the pc, wires and hardware managed to set things right- I was overcome with gratitude- I thanked him profusely- and he realized what a messiah he had proved to be to this household!

I first went over to chek the comments to my last blog- and wowo! Felt great to read the feedback..talk abt ego gratification! thank you friends…

However all is not hunky dory as yet- my broadband connexn keeps going down- and I’m breathing deeply…
So when everything is fine- I’ll be languishing in the virtual world- reading blogs, trying to comment and otherwise its inhaaaaaaaaaaaale…exhaaaaaaaale…

Rediscovering Old passions!

Last Friday, I joined Dance classes- after a gap of 16 years, I’m coercing my feet to dance to the beat of the “Nattuvangam”- the rhythmic recitation of the dance steps .Tho my feet did find it difficult to keep pace at first, they soon found wings- and the Happiness, the Thrill, the ecstasy that I felt cannot be expressed in words. My feet was in agony for the first two days, but I was too happy to care.

This is how it came about:
Last Sunday, I was watching a programme on T.V- a Classical Dance Competition- the judge was from Trichy- and on an impulse I googled her name on the net- got her address and phone number, spoke to her, met her and she asked me to come on the coming Friday. She is much younger than me- and I guess I must be one of her oldest students. :-)

Her dance school is far from where I live- I’ve to reach there by 2 buses. On the first day, my elder son accompanied me until the 2nd bus stand- and would not leave until the bus left the stand. He is so worried if I’ll be able to go on my own and has been drawing maps and trying to teach me which bus to board, which direction to wait for the bus.

Just the prev week I had come across an article posted by a friend regarding discovering guidelines to identify one’s passion, and I found out mine- I knew it always but just reconfirmed it.
If anyone is interested, these are the questions:

How Do You Know When You've Found your Passion?
If you answer yes to most of these questions, you've found an activity you love. When you pursue what you are passionate about, your spirit is energized and renewed.

Do you lose track of time doing this activity?

Do you get excited just thinking about it?

Do you feel energized by it?

Do you dream about it?

Do you lose self-consciousness doing it?

Do you perform beyond your usual abilities when engaged in it?

Has your enthusiasm remained high over a period of time?

Do you seek out people who share this interest?

And also saw a movie on T.V on somewhat similar lines!

Shall we dance-

starring Richard Gere, Jennifer Lopez, Susan Sarandon.

Richard is happily married to Susan- has 2 grown up kids- life is pretty smooth, except that Richard feels a vague discontent- every day as he came home from work in a tram, he would notice a window on a building- a Dance school- and the silhouette of a young woman in the window- one evening on an impulse he gets down- goes up into the building and enrolls for dance classes- his tutor is an older woman- needless to say he’s disappointed that its not the young woman- Jen Lopez who is teaching him- after initial awkwardness, he begins to enjoy his classes a lot- he becomes more lively at home too- and his wife is surprised- she wonders if he’s having some affair and after much deliberation appoints a detective to trail her husband.

Meanwhile Richard tries to talk to Jen Lopez- but she stays aloof- and tells him not to come back for classes if he has not joined for the passion of dance- Richard almost stops his classes, but at the last moment he realizes he has come to love dancing- and Jen Lopez is also happy- a special bonding evolves between the two and she teaches him specially for a competition-
Meanwhile Susan is informed abt her husbands dance classes and she comes to see him perform at the competition with her daughter. Mother and daughter are amazed at his graceful dancing and the daughter cheers him loudly – Richard is distracted and fumbles- causing his dance partner to fall- and it ends up a total fiasco.

Susan is hurt that Richard had not told her abt his classes and Richard does not know what to say- he stops going to the classes-
Meanwhile, Jen Lopez is going abroad to study more dancing- and she writes to Richard saying that he danced really well- and she thanks him for helping her realize that it was Dance that she wanted to excel in- she shares with him her sad experience of the previous year where she and her partner had failed miserably in an International competition- and she had been so ashamed that she was hiding in this obscure dance school- now with Richard’s help, she realized that she wanted to go back to Dance- would he please come to the farewell party to dance just once more with her?

Richard shows the letter to Susan- and tells her he wont be going for the party- he also summons the courage to tell her, that he was so grateful to Susan for being so completely happy and satisfied with him- and he was afraid and ashamed to tell her- the person whom he loved the most, that there was a vague discontent within him- Susan understands- and next morning she leaves a tuxedo and dancing shoes for him and asks him to go and enjoy at the party.
Richard wears the tuxedo, shoes , gets a single red rose, goes to the place where Susan is working , gives her a rose and asks her to dance with him- Susan is overwhelmed- and they dance right there .
Later, they both go to the farewell party- where Lopez was waiting with the other dancer friends- Richard and Jen Lopez and dance together-
And they say their Goodbyes-
At home Richard begins to teach Susan to dance- and they love it-
In the closing scene we find the detective whom Susan had employed joining the dance classes!

The Hols are over...

I had been away on vacation...

The hols are over…and its back to Home sweet home…these hols were hectic filled with family functions and lots of travel- a bit of sickness thrown in…

First kids and me spent 10 days with my parents in Kerala, then we came back to Trichy becos we had planned a tour to Kolkotta, Darjeeling, Puri with 3 other families here. Two days before we were to start my husband came down with yet another spasm of kidney stone. While one doctor advised us to cancel our trip, another senior urologis gave us the go ahead- he asked to just carry painkiller tabs and injections- intra muscular with us. We almost decided to cancel our trip and the kids and our friends were totally disappointed- those 2 days were so filled with confusion and chaos- my husband was ready to go ahead. But I was apprehensive- anyways, we finally decided to go on- taking with us the painkillers- I decided to just go with the flow and surrender myself to the Almighty’s will…

The trip went fine- of course hubby did get pain attacks during the tour- and once he had to inject himself too- he was pretty brave thru the ordeal, our friends were very caring and attentive- and I found it very, very difficult to put on a brave, cheerful countenance whenever he was in pain…

Kolkotta and Puri was very warm, still we managed to do sight seeing- The serene and beautiful Birla Mandir, The Science City, Jain Temple, Dakshineswar, Belur Math, Kali Temple- just wished the streets were cleaner- and just as in other places in India , here too tourists were being fleeced even in the name of God.

Darjeeling was heavenly- but brrrr…it was sooooo cold- and I’m a person who finds trichy winters unbearable at times- so you can imagine my plight- our place of stay was divine- but it was just too, too cold- that one cannot think of anything beyond keeping warm- we did not take the famous toy train to save time- but the road was just as picturesque- the landscape, the monasteries, Padmaja Wild Life sanctuary- here, the environs were so beautiful- the animals so well kept and healthy- and the climate too was comfortable that day.

We went to the Tiger Hills to view the sunrise- at an unearthly hour 0f 3.30 a.m- the place was crowded- the trudge uphill was slippery- and we were breathless- there were local women- so fair and pretty cheerfully selling hot cups of coffee/tea- from huge flasks- As everyone waited for the sun break in the east- horizon- first , the clouds were lined with a brilliant auzure lining- and suddenly the sun erupted in a glorious burning globule- there rose an involuntary gasp from the people gathered- and everyone was cheering- all this in a second- before the sun disappeared behind the clouds again- but the whole place was bathed in sunlight- at such an early hour- tho there was no trace of the sun anymore- The magical moment had been so transient that looking back I wondered if I did see anything so specatacular-

We saw the Nepal India border, Gurkha War Memorial- The Batisia Loop,- indeed it was memorable trip.

At Puri, we stayed at a resort facing the beach- We visited the Jagannath temple, the beach, Konarak temple- Nandan Kanan Wild Life sanctuary- on our last day there, we were caught in a heavy cyclonic rain storm of unbelievable intensity - but thankfully it lasted for a very short time-

Thus we reached back safely- tired but happy- and I waas grateful that there was not too much of trouble – nothing more than we could manage…

and thank you all of you who have been wondering about my absence from the virtual world for their concern and enquiries abt my well being- I'm glad to be back in blogdom- and sooo many blogs to catch up with...

p.s: the tiny stone that was causing my husband so much agony came out soon after we reached trichy- he called up my parents and informed them: "your son –in- law delivered a healthy stone safely"

How Happy am I?

You Are 56% Happy

You're definitely a happy person, even though you have your down moments.You tend to get the most out of life, though there's always some more happiness to be squeezed.

http://www.blogthings.com/howhappyareyouquiz/">How Happy Are You?

The past few posts of mine have been quite dreary and I wanted to write something cheerful for a change. But I've not been in the best of spirits - nor in the pinkest of health. Pains and aches can be so distracting - and whether it is age catching up or my net surfing- I've been afflicted with pains in my shoulder and neck for some weeks now-Only if one is able to think beyond one's physicality can one concentrate on anything- including the very simple act of going through one's daily routine- the aches and the accompanying anxiety sours my mood.

I try to stay away from the pc- as far as possible- I had to do my blog hopping standing- and in between my chores- so as to avoid continous browsing-

"Raaja paarvai" - roughly translated as "the Royal view" - is a term also used in jest to describe a stiff neck- and thats how my view had been this whole of last week- moving my neck even slightly was agony- and the mode of treatment was not pleasant either. In Ayurveda, we have this treatment called "Nasyam"- where by first after applying medicated oil on the afflicted area, followed by fomenting the region after which drops of medicated oil is poured thru each nostril. One has to deeply inhale the oil poured- and then the sinuses get cleared - finally one has to gargle with warm water- On the first day , I created quite a ruckus and DH had a tough time pinning me down to administer the treatment- My sons watched the proceedings in unabashed amusement.
However tedious the procedure is- the results were dramatic. My stiff neck and shoulders relaxed except for sporadic spasms of pain a few times during the day. Even that has gone now.

My elder son's Boards are over and he says the papers were easy. Once he had finished with Maths and Science papers he was like 'the holidays have begun'- tho Hindi and English papers were still left.
After the exams he went to the movies with his friends- and there was so much of planning and phoning- excitement and anticipation- they went to see' Thampi'- and he loved it. he wants to grow hair like Madhavan in the movie- groan- he regaled me with some glorious gory details in the movie-

Now he drives me crazy because he's forever behind his younger brother bossing over him- and the younger one has absolutely no intention of being bossed over- the ensuing war zone medley makes me go crazy- I'm swinging between extremes of mood swings- rage, fury and misery- every time I blow my top once in a way- I'm worried I'll give myself a heart attack- and try to take deep breaths- massaging my tense shoulders-

ufffff...yeah- so thats how happy I'm- and still I made it to 56%...nothing short of Miracle- I should say...

Between Yesterday and Today...

Between last time that I posted here, and today, something among many things had changed. A person who had been living and breathing then was no more now- sure that happens every day at every corner of the world, but when it happens to somebody one has known to a little extent atleast , talked to- laughed with- the reaction, the experience is different.

On 18th sat noon, M maami -a neighbour from the flat upstairs called me and informed
me tearfully that R- the young married daughter of the people in the opposite flat had committed suicide in her huband's home ( which is near by).

At first, nothing registered. I just couldn't grasp anything that i heard and blabbered something like an idiot- simply because I could not believe what I had heard- that sweet, soft spoken girl- no more!! And when the truth finally seeped in, my first impulse was to try to rewind time and revoke the incident. I felt that if we tried immediately, we could undo the situation. I kept asking maami if she was sure that everything was indeed over- perhaps she was mistaken- perhaps she had been just injured- perhaps she had misunderstood the news- but no- maami had just returned after seeing the ‘body’- a person we called R was now ‘the body’.

It came like a bolt to us and the other neighbours. Besides, I was under the impression that she was happy in marriage- apparently, I was mistaken- she was having problems- with her MIL, SIL and hubby-

The last time( during diwali) I had seen her and talked to her, she seemed fine...
and it turns out that it was not a suicide- she was being physically abused- her MIL was not allowing the son to talk to her etc...and the girl had not even told her parents all this- they knew there were some problems but she had always maintained that he was a good man and things would be fine soon- I cant even begin to recount how the MIL behaved later when the body arrived after the post mortem- the happennings were extremely disturbing-

We are now hearing all kinds of stories of the harrassment meted out to that girl... she was not being allowed to even phone her parents- and perhaps we’ll never get to know what actually happened that morning.

The parents are totally devastated- case has been lodged against the husband and MIL- seems she was hit in the head- and then they tried to make it look like a case of hanging- and now they have the gall to say she was having an affair- and all of us know that it is just impossible- the relatives of the girl are now telling her parents that they should've brought the girl home- but they were not aware that things were so bad- seems the girl had not told them... whenever they
asked her, seems she would say that her husband was a very good person at heart and she was sure that soon things would be fine...

Anyways, I too went for the condolence- I saw R – ‘the body’ lain on the floor- she looked so serene and peaceful- almost like she was smiling- she looked emaciated- she had always been slim and had even seemed to have gained some weight when I had seen her last, but now she looked emaciated. Needless to say, the scene was heartwrenching- I came back with a depressed soul and a pounding headache-

The next few days had been very upsetting for all of us here in this apartment block...and am just not able to stop thinking about her- I keep remembering the times I talked to her- how she had burst crackers with my sons during diwali- how we used to tease her when her
husband used to call her on phone so frequently after the engagement-how we had attended her wedding-

So many questions kept haunting me- abt her last moments- she had not called her folks for more than a month- she would’ve longed to see her parents- she would’ve felt so lonely, unloved during her last days- seems she had not been eating even- and now she is beyond all pain and sorrow- all in a matter of a few moments…

The Fountain Pen

I kept searching for it high and low- I knew I had kept it away in some safe place but could not remember where. This happens to me often. I would tuck something precious into some 'safe' place and then forget where the safe place was. This time it was my appachhan's ( maternal grandfather) fountain pen- the one with which he would write in his diary daily until his last day in this world- the silver capped maroon Parker- which my ammamma- grandmother had given to me. The one that I cherished-
Yeah, so here I had been searching for it since some days and I couldn't find it. It nagged me- but I was sure I'd find it sooner or later. I searched everywhere- in all the nooks and crannies- in all the little purses in which I had tucked away bits and pieces of treasure but the pen eluded me...


That day again, I was searching in the cabinet - and suddenly my eyes fell on the little red velvet purse in which I had kept a few pieces of trinkets- and Voila! I knew it was to be in there- I opened the purse, and sure enough there it was lying nestled in between my trinkets- I was so happy and relieved- and my eyes filled with tears- I called to my sons and they came running- they knew how upset I had been about not finding this pen- my elder son filled the pen with ink ..and I wrote my first entry in the new diary that my vallyamma (MIL) had given me...

Postscript

When I was reading the various posts on the Blanknoise project, I had no intention to post one on my own. Because, for one thing, I had moved on…
and another thing I did not want to speak out such a thing in a public forum…


But then at some point, I felt I had to, because:

• The most important thing was to speak out and not remain silent.
• Felt that the furore of the blogs was making a difference in some way- there were several comments to the effect that they had not realized this was such a rampant phenomenon- I felt the increasing awareness among both men and women would make a difference-
• Wanted parents to be extra careful about their kids- about who is chaperoning them- abt making them aware, teaching them to react, to take the necessary action if necessary without feeling guilty, to recoup… and to be able to avoid if possible-
• Parents play an important role in bringing up their sons with the right values, teaching them to respect women as individuals- to respect womanhood…

And to my friends who expressed their concern and affection, I can only assure them that I’m fine- don’t worry.. :-)

Blank Noise #Metoo

Had hidden this post , now Re posting this, after several years.

Reading about child abuse…well, opened old wounds…I really wonder if a single woman escapes…I think every woman undergoes such an experience in some way or the other- to a greater or lesser extent.  
I had always been small for my age and upto the 8^th std, I have had uncomfortable experiences of even sirs/male teachers cuddling me and I remember feeling confused, and a weird sense of having been defiled…
And then of course, buses, movie theatres, bus stops- some of us girls would keep a safety pin or umbrella handy- I have had the pleasure of poking safety pin into many a curious, wandering fingers…
 And then when I left my parents for the first time- and joined college in Kerala, I went for a short holiday back to the Gulf to my parents- during Xmas hols. My  maternal uncle and aunt ( M uncle and M aunt) saw me off at the airport. Everything went fine. I was traveling to and fro alone.
 I was to return and this time another uncle ( S uncle) was to receive me at the airport. He was just a few years younger than my father- and he had always been a reticent, stern type of person. But, for no reason, I was feeling very wary, very nervous about this person coming to receive me, though I had had no unpleasant experience in the past with regards to this person. I even felt guilty about feeling nervous regarding a person who was supposed to be like my father. The plan was that he would receive me at the airport, we would then go to a  family friends' house, freshen up, and then board the same night train and we would reach my grandparents’ home early next morning- this was the plan decided upon. 

However, on the previous evening, for no plausible reason, a thought just occurred in my mind, what if this S uncle suggested that  we travel only the next day morning,and that we would spend the night in a hotel. I immediately chided myself for this thought- felt ashamed of my suspecting a father figure- and besides, this S uncle also had access to free  rail passes- and hence ticket availability would never be a problem.
 Uncannily, things moved just as I had foreseen. At the family friend’s home, he called me aside and told me that  there had been no tickets available for the same night, and since we should not be  burdening the friends, we should put up in a hotel and leave by the early train  next morning. I was aghast. I tried telling him that we could stay in the friend’s place- they were one big family- and they would not mind us staying over for one night but he did not relent. We left that home telling the friends that we were going to the station. On the way, he told the auto driver to detour to a hotel. 

I can’t express the trepidation, the uneasiness that I felt- on one side, it was fear, on another side, a tiny voice telling me that he was after all my S uncle whom I had known since childhood and I should not be thinking of him like a villain.
 We reached the hotel, all I can say, is NOTHING happened- but it was very traumatic- S uncle  was walking around in the room the whole night, talking to himself aloud. I was curled up at one end of the bed, chanting my prayers. Towards early morning, he just embraced me tight- and kept repeating over and over again in my ears-“I shall not do anything to you” , I was so frightened, I somehow managed to tear away and lock myself in the bathroom until it was time to leave.
 I don’t know why we did not take the train the previous night- what had the S uncle  thought- I know nothing, but by next morning- I had become a different person. If something had happened, I know one thing for sure- either I would have become insane by sheer fright- or maybe- I don’t know…
 Anyway, we boarded the train the next morning, reached my grandparents’ home by evening- I did not speak a word, refused to eat any food- and was crying silently throughout the journey. I had just left my parents, and now I did not know how to handle this about  someone whom I had thought was like a father- and someone who had daughters of his own.
 My M aunt who had come to see me off when I left for the Gulf noticed that something was amiss from my face, and asked me if something was wrong and I broke down and told her everything.
 But for years afterwards, I could not face this S uncle- my heart beat would increase, my palms would turn clammy- and I hated the very thought of men.
 But, I did not keep silent, I did tell my folks- my M uncle and M aunt, my grandmother, and then when I went to my parents next time, I told my parents too.
 See, in today’s context perhaps, the incident sounds very harmless, but in my family- girls and boys do not interact freely after a certain age- and staying in the same room for the night was definitely totally uncalled for- and years later, we did get to hear that this S uncle was rather feared by his own female cousins.
 I avoided talking to this S uncle for a long time afterwards, but after several years after my marriage, I did manage to make small talk if absolutely unavoidable. My parents have never been able to forget this incident and have had to behave cordially towards him all the time. And all the time he was fiercely protective of his daughters!!
 Other people think of him as a gentleman, and now that he has passed away, it is sometimes very painful to hear him glorified like he was a true gentleman in every way. His children adore his memory and keep praising him to the skies.
 I think I can say that I have overcome that episode in my life-though I had a tough time while in college, hostel, but I did know that I was not alone, I knew friends who had similar experiences, and sharing and venting helped me a lot in overcoming my anger- it is anger- fury- rage that I feel when I think about such things happening to  anybody – I feel harsh punishment needs to be meted out to such perverts. I am aware that though  I escaped unhurt physically- the mental, emotional trauma was very much  there for a long time. The fear that I underwent that night was harrowing. And of one thing I was sure- tickets / free passes at that were surely available then why??? And another thing, why did I think of such a thing happening even before it happened??
 
   

For want of...

Its been some days since I blogged. Not that I've to meet a deadline or keep a word, yet when I'm at a loss for words - I miss being able to blog-

and as I was blog hopping- I landed into Aruna's lair - and there I found fodder for my blog! I promptly jumped over to find what kind of a personality I was thru the shortest online test and here's what I found out- and whether its true or not- ahhh- who knows- its fun tho- doing these random tests- curiosity factor is optimum- and atleast I can post it!

Your Personality Profile

You are funky, outdoorsy, and down to earth.While you may not be a total hippie...You're definitely one of the most free spirited people around. You are very impulsive - every day is a new adventure.However, you do put some thought behind all your actions.Still, you do tend to shock and offend people from time to time!

The World's Shortest Personality Test

and another thing, whenever I post a new blog the page gets realigned such that one has to scroll all the way down to be able to read them. Sometimes it gets aligned at the top by itself, sometimes, if I republish it over and over again it works and at other times the posts remain stubbornly way down...anybody have any idea how to deal with it- I shall be grateful...

*Tingling with Mortification...

I’m very reluctant to take up the initiative in activities especially in groups. I prefer to linger unobtrusively in the background, the main reason being I’m petrified of committing a blunder and ending up being the cynosure of all disapproving eyes! I get very embarrassed by the ensuing comments- well meaning or otherwise. I tend to feel mortified that I shy away from such occasions that might require my active participation in any way. This hesitation has often been misinterpreted as a non cooperative stance or attributed to sheer laziness.

There have been a few occasions when I’ve summoned the courage to try to do something pro actively either out of compulsion or as a bravado on my part. Mostly, I start off fairly well, but at some point I end up committing some kind of silly mistake. I become painfully conscious of eyes around me- and feel like sinking to the nether world a la- Sita maiyya.

A couple of weeks ago yet again I ventured to help out in a group activity in our colony timidly yet enthusiastically. I seemed to be doing quite ok, and my confidence was slowly building up….alas, some more moments- and there I had done it again! Though everybody was very kind and considerate about my blunder, as usual , I myself was my most unmerciful critic. Hot, embarrassed tears stung my eyes, and I was overwhelmed by the same hopeless sensation in my being. Somehow , I kept mumbling apologies incoherently and made a get away at the next possible moment.

I’m sorely tempted to keep away from such situations again in the future, but like my husband says, I don’t think I should keep running away. I’m no longer a kid who can escape responsibilities ,and at my age , I’m required to do my bit in society and cannot simply shrug off my responsibility… I also realize that this sense of mortification is only within my own mind and the people around me usually do not give it so much of importance. Yeah true, they do have a good, healthy laughter over me but its never in malice. All I need to do is join them in the laughter and keep moving…I’ll get there some day soon-

*p.s: and the title of this blog has been lifted from a sentence in a story "Face on the wall" by E.V.Lucas- was very impressed with the expression and love to use it whenever the oppurtunity presents...and btw, its an engrossing story...

Tagged yet again!

And this time, by Bharath aka bleu…

7 things I wish to do before I die:

1. Read many more books
2. write a few books ( hahaha- whats wrong in dreaming),
3. learn dancing once again,
4. Do my M.A in English Literature, then M.phil, then thesis…(there's no end to dreams)
5. Meet Amitabh Bachchan ( not on KBC)
6. Set up a library- with a humongous collection of books
7. Visit a few places

7 things I do not enjoy doing:

1. Hard work of any kind
2. Attending functions, social do’s
3. Travelling
4. Doing something simply because I’m expected to or supposed to
5. Arguing
6. shopping
7. being in a crowd

7 things that Attracted Me to Blogging:

1. brings me Relief of Expression
2. enjoy Toying with words to bring out my thoughts effectively.
3. Gives me clarity of thought
4. helps me sort things out within myself
5. Seeing my thoughts crystallized into words on the monitor gives me a highenjoy
6. enjoy reading other’s thoughts and expressions.

7. Enjoy interacting with the virtual community

7 things I say most often:

1. “Hayyada"
2. “PPP” – "Palliyil poyi Paranjaal mathi" meaning : go and tell this elsewhere, not to me :-)
3. "Please" “sorry”
4. ‘vere paniyilla’- roughly translated as :“as if I’ve no other work”,this however is used in jest.
5. calling out the names of my DH, sons.
6. I also have a habit of uttering the name of my “ishta deivam”(favourite deity) now and then
7. OK- to indicate I’m listening.

7 Books I like:

1. Roots – Alex Haley
2. Zorba the Greek – Nikos Kazantsakis
3. Parallel Journeys– Anu Majumdar– story of a young Indian dancer and a French architect, whose lives are infiltrated by the journey Maitreyi and Yajnavalkya had undertaken eons ago…
4. Randam OOzham- The second turn -The incidents of the Mahabaharatha from the POV of Bheema- by M.T.Vasudevan Nair
5. Ini njaan Urangatte - (Now, let me sleep!), P. K. Balakrishnan's retrospective account of the Mahabharata from Draupadi's perspective
6. Ente Karnan – Karna’s story by V.T.Nandakumar

7. Bharatha Paryatanam- Voyage thru the Mahabharatha- Kuttikrishna Maraar- critical exposition of the main events in the epic Mahaabhaarata. Maraar questions the subjectivity of Dharma and Adharma, the definition of rights and wrongs


7 Movies I want to watch again (and again and again - more than 7please)

Vijeta ( old-Shashi Kapoor, Rekha, Kunal Kapoor, Supriya Pathak)
Kalyug (old- Shashi Kapoor, Rekha, Raj Babbar, Khulbhushan Kharbhanda, /Anant Nag)
Pyaasa
Parichay
Guddi
Abhimaan
Kaagaz ke phool
Jaane bhi do yaaron
Angoor
Chashme Baddoor
Saahib Biwi aur Ghulam
Jhanak jhanak paayal baaje
Paayal ki jhankaar
Silangai oli
Saptapadi
Pakeeza
Baawarchi
Sound of Music
That touch of Mink
Anand
I’ll stop here, b4 I remember any more

7 pieces of Music I enjoy

1. Bombay Jayasree’s albums
2. Aruna Sairam
3. Uthukkadu krithis
4. M.S’s ‘Jagatho udhaarana’, Maithrim bhajatha…
5. Lata’s hits
6. Asha’s hits
7. Kishore Kumar, Rafi, Mukesh hits


and yet again, I leave the tag open- anyone wishing to do so – pls do, only pls leave a comment, so that I can go check it out- always interesting to gain trivia abt other bloggers…

Shabd- the Movie

This can’t be called a review – its just my response to the film as I watched it- my way of perceiving it…

My Life path number!

Your Life Path Number is 6

Your purpose in life is to help others You are very compassionate, and you offer comfort to those around you.It pains you to see other people hurting, and you do all in your power to help them.You take on responsibility, and don't mind personal sacrifice. You are the ultimate giver. In love, you offer warmth and protection to your partner. You often give too much of yourself, and you rarely put your own needs first.Emotions tend to rule your decisions too much, especially when it comes to love.And while taking care of people is great, make sure to give them room to grow on their own.

What Is Your Life Path Number?

The Eternal Wait

The sound of the approaching train barged into her senses and she was startled out of her stupor. Subconsciously she moved into the “waiting” mode.When she heard the sound of the approaching train, her senses perked up in reflex- she could not unlearn it....read more

The Wall Of Silence

Another dabble at creativity here

Radha Kalyanam

This weekend, we celebrated The “Radha Kalyanam” in our colony. It is actually based on *Jaydevar’s lyrical compositions – Geeta Govindam. The function is conducted over two days just like a real wedding, of course minus the extravagant paraphernalia. This is more of a devotional endeavour comprising of songs from the Geeta Govindam interspersed with abhangs, Bhajans and Keerthans. Devotees may or may not participate/contribute- anyway, the residents of our colony all worked together in harmony…and it felt like one family.

While I’m not specifically into rituals and stuff, I enjoyed the music and singing to the utmost. There are several professional toupes who conduct the Radha Krishna Kalyanam repertoire - and since the last three years we have had different troupes performing this for us. The devotional fervor is mainly built up by the tempo of the music and rhythm and it is difficult to remain unmoved.

On the previous day, the songs from the Ashtapadi are sung, and the proceedings stretch well into the night- there is much dancing- along with the singing- and the steps are fast paced, very graceful while the melody is lilting and moving- the dance is usually just clapping and fast footwork- then Kummi/Kolattom ( very similar to the dandiya/garba) - and only the male devotees usually join the troupe members- the entire atmosphere is charged – this year they invited the women folk to also come forward and dance- and they left the centrestage entirely at our disposal- though we were all a bit reluctant in the beginning, soon most of us were up there dancing for all that we were worth-

Just the previous day, I had lamented on my blog space that Destiny/Almighty had perhaps erased Dance from my life , and the very next evening there I was dancing after a gap of about 20 years- it was like I had never stopped. I just cannot find words to express the euphoria of those magical moments- I was totally disconnected from this world and my feet had found wings- It was an amazing experience for which I’m extremely grateful…

*(From the pages of The Hindu on the web)
The theme of Gita Govindam is the love of Radha Devi and Sri Krishna, symbolizing the longing and striving of the individual, for communion with God, culminating in their blissful union.

Composed by the Orissa poet Jayadeva of the 12th century A.D., it is a richly orchestrated symphony of songs in various ragas set in linked situations featuring the spring-time love-play (vasanta vilaasa) of Lord Krishna, which Raasa Panchaadhyaayi (five chapters on the Raasa dances of Krishna with the Gopis) in the Bhagavatam also speak about, without the character of Radha probably unknown in its time.

Jayadeva was a dedicated devotee of Lord Jagannath, the Deity of Puri, and a disciple of Nimbarka, who founded the Radhavallabha sect, giving prominence to Radha as the loving Consort of the Lord (distinguishable from Lakshmi the Consort of His Omnipotence). The Gita-Govinda arose as a stotra, an offering of devotional music to Lord Jagannath. It is sung as part of the worship-ritual before the Deity and it has also been staged many times as a lyrical dance-drama before interested audiences all over India.

The poem is divided into 12 sargas (marking movements in the love-play of Radha and Madhava) with 24 songs including the first two invocatory stotras of noble praise of Krishna's 10 incarnations. There are only three characters - Krishna, Radha and the girl-friend and messenger between them - figuring in the poem; the songs are distributed between them as their speeches, and the links of the story are provided by slokas (verses) introducing each sarga. The songs form a musical sequence of various ragas of unparalleled sweetness. Their cadences based on alliterations, rhymes, and assonances of words that trip on the tongue delight the lover of poetry, the rasika, as nowhere else. )

Kenjum Salangai....

When I heard that a new teacher had shifted to our colony and she was teaching Bharathanatyam, I thought that perhaps, finally I would get the oppurtunity to dance again...to wear the salangai/ghunghroo aftera long time...

After much hesitation, I summoned the courage to visit her and make enquiries about the classes- and she asked me who was the student- I smiled apologetically said that I was making enquiries for enrolling myself! She was not taken aback, but she said she was taking classes only for school children and would not be able to accomodate me- because she had other classes- Yoga,Craft and she was also working as a choreographer for someTV channel- I came away crestfallen-

I had believed myself to have overcome many disappointments and am mostly contented with what Life has offered me- but as I returned home that day, I realized that I had expected to be able to learn dancing yet again…It did occur to me that wasn’t I too old to still nurture hopes of dancing again? But then where Art is concerned is age a factor? I just want to let go and dance away uninhibitedly to awesome lyrics like “Krishna Nee begane baaro, “enna thavam seythene Yashoda..

I was not keen on going on stage- I only wanted to indulge in my intense passion for Dance…may be Dance has been erased from my Destiny… OK fine, if You’ve not intended it for me anymore…what choice do I have in the matter…May be I’m asking for too much?? I submit myself to Your will…


ennatavam seydanai yasOda (http://www.geocities.com/promiserani2/c1007.html)
raagam: kaapi
22 kharaharapriya janya
Aa: S R2 M1 P N3 S
Av: S N2 D2 N2 P M1 G2 R2 S
taaLam: aadiComposer: Paapanaasam Shivan
Language: Tamil

pallavi
enna tavam sheidanai yasOdA
engum nirai parabhrammam
ammAvenr-azhaikka(enna tavam)

anupallavi
IrEzu bhuvanangaL paDaittavanaik-kaiyil Endi
shIrATTi pAlUTi tAlATTa nI (enna tavam)

caraNam 1
bhramanum indranum manadil porAmai koLLa
uralil kaTTi vAi pottik-kenjavaittAi tAyE(enna tavam)

caraNam 2
sanakAdiyar tava yOgam sheidu varundi
sAdhittadai punita mAdE eLidil pera (enna tavam)


What penance was it that Yashoda performed..
That she was destined to be your Mother?
That He who is the Lord of The Universe called her "amma"

she who was the chosen One to
hold You, caress You, feed You
You who created the Universe...

If Even Lord Brahma, Lord Indra envies her...
She who tied Him to the mortar,
She who bid Him to silence
She who had Him beg for mercy..
Then what can one say about you and me?
Indeed what penance did She perform- she Yashoda...

Saints and Rishis have undergone severe penances
to get a glimpse of Him...
And she a simple, pious woman attained this Supreme Blessing so easily?
What penance is it that Yashoda performed
That he called her "amma"....

I've been tagged....

Ok, the plus is that this time I don’t have to think abt “what" to write abt in my blog space- becos sometimes I don’t have anything to write and yet I ‘want' to…

Hmm... so arundhati has tagged me- and this one seems “hatke” from the usual tags that I’ve seen floating in cyberspace…

Am supposed to :

1. Come up with 8 different points of my idea of a perfect lover.

2. Need to mention the sex of the target.

3. Tag 8 victims to join this game and leave a comment on their comments saying they’ve been tagged.

4. If tagged the 2nd time, there’s no need to post again.

Perfect “Lover” Target “Male”

“lover”…hmmm…”hemm…haw…errrr- now what is the exact connotation of this word in this context?

1. The first thing that occurs to me is the eyes! Not exactly the physical shape/colour- but the look in the eyes that come at certain moments!

2.Sense of Humour- pulling my legs- teasing me- all in fun- making me blush-
And also guffawing at my wit- nice loud, rich, full throated laughter..

3.Kindness, compassion, fun - when interacting with people, Respect and care when interacting with elders, Mischief and affection while with children.

4.Singing for /to me…

5.Pampering me when I’m unwell, sad…and revelling, enjoying my fussing and pampering too …

6.Spontaineity in expressions

7.Absolutely forgiving with no retention and revision of pending accounts.

8. And of course integrity, sincerity and honesty of character would be very important because for me to love completely and wholly, I need to be able to respect too…


Hey that was easy- I was not sure what I could come up with when I started with this…easy perhaps because I happen to know someone who is exactly like this:-)


And abt tagging- well, I’m inviting anybody to go ahead who feels like doing this- becaue I can't make up my mind abt whom to tag!! But do let me know…why? Obviously because I’d love to read their idea abt a perfect lover!

Wait....

To a friend who left...