*Tingling with Mortification...

I’m very reluctant to take up the initiative in activities especially in groups. I prefer to linger unobtrusively in the background, the main reason being I’m petrified of committing a blunder and ending up being the cynosure of all disapproving eyes! I get very embarrassed by the ensuing comments- well meaning or otherwise. I tend to feel mortified that I shy away from such occasions that might require my active participation in any way. This hesitation has often been misinterpreted as a non cooperative stance or attributed to sheer laziness.

There have been a few occasions when I’ve summoned the courage to try to do something pro actively either out of compulsion or as a bravado on my part. Mostly, I start off fairly well, but at some point I end up committing some kind of silly mistake. I become painfully conscious of eyes around me- and feel like sinking to the nether world a la- Sita maiyya.

A couple of weeks ago yet again I ventured to help out in a group activity in our colony timidly yet enthusiastically. I seemed to be doing quite ok, and my confidence was slowly building up….alas, some more moments- and there I had done it again! Though everybody was very kind and considerate about my blunder, as usual , I myself was my most unmerciful critic. Hot, embarrassed tears stung my eyes, and I was overwhelmed by the same hopeless sensation in my being. Somehow , I kept mumbling apologies incoherently and made a get away at the next possible moment.

I’m sorely tempted to keep away from such situations again in the future, but like my husband says, I don’t think I should keep running away. I’m no longer a kid who can escape responsibilities ,and at my age , I’m required to do my bit in society and cannot simply shrug off my responsibility… I also realize that this sense of mortification is only within my own mind and the people around me usually do not give it so much of importance. Yeah true, they do have a good, healthy laughter over me but its never in malice. All I need to do is join them in the laughter and keep moving…I’ll get there some day soon-

*p.s: and the title of this blog has been lifted from a sentence in a story "Face on the wall" by E.V.Lucas- was very impressed with the expression and love to use it whenever the oppurtunity presents...and btw, its an engrossing story...