NaPoWriMo Prompt 24

And from Prompt 1, I jump straight onto Prompt 24! Why? Because  Prompt 24 says: 

Today’s craft resource is a long-ish essay by Hyejung Kook regarding how poetry can be created from absence, or in the wake of loss, and how awareness of mortality drives a desire to produce art, people, poems.

Today, we’d like to challenge you to write an elegy – a poem typically written in honor or memory of someone dead. But we’d like to challenge you to write an elegy that has a hopefulness to it. Need inspiration? You might look at W.H. Auden’s elegy for Yeats, which ends on a note suggesting that the great poet’s work will live on, inspiring others in years to come. Or perhaps this elegy by Mary Jo Bang, where the sadness is shot through with a sense of forgiveness on both sides.

And since I had already written something a few years ago on these lines, I thought I might as well post it here. It is about a very special person who left in 2010.  

To someone who left...

Hi, are you there? Are you listening?
I want to tell you something
I am angry, very angry
But sometimes I miss you, lots…
But let me also tell you that
sometimes I don’t…
You know,
Sometimes I want to talk to you
Sometimes I just want to listen to you
And sometimes I don’t know what I actually wish-
Sometimes I think I should wipe out every memory,
every thought of you…
And sometimes I want
to cling to even the tiniest moment
And don’t want to let go ever…
Sometimes I ask why, how..
Sometimes I just don’t care…
Sometimes I think
I’m getting used to your absence
And sometimes I feel its unbearable
Sometimes I think I’ll get over you…
And everything will be fine,I’ll keep moving on
And sometimes I’m stuck, I am lost
Sucked into a bottomless vortex
Struggling to stay afloat

Sometimes suddenly I get the feeling you are right here
Right in front of me or by my side
And when I reach out
Colliding into the emptiness and the silence
A sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach
A wrench in my heart, a sob in my throat
Reminding me that you are not here nor anywhere
Sometimes I think I heard you giggle
I fancy I saw you here or there
And I forget you are elsewhere or nowhere
And then when it dawns yet again
It is another stab for the millionth time
Knowing that the past will never come back…
It is so hard to believe that
That which was is no longer is …
Sometimes I can accept, and sometimes it hurts
in some place that cannot be seen, heard or touched

Sometimes I want to call out your name Loud, loudly…
Sometimes I want to hear you call out my name Loud, louder
And I want to answer
And then I realize with a shudder
I’m forgetting how your voice sounded
I keep looking for remnants of your voice, of your touch
And I drown in an abyss of despair and desolation
Of helplessness, of hopelessness
And yet, there is an absurd sense of relief
A weird reassurance
That you still exist- in my memories
Because I’m terrified of letting myself forget you
Because if I forget you then that will be the true end
And that I can’t bear
When you flash in my memory
It means you still are, and that you remain
I want to talk about you without my eyes welling up
I want to smile when I think about you
And for me to go on
I need to know that you are watching, listening,smiling too
I want to let the waves of your memories wash over me
I want to drown in them
I keep reliving those moments,
keep retelling those stories
In a frenzy to keep you here

Of how you chided me
How you teased me
How you annoyed me,
How your eyes crinkled when you smiled,
How you waggled your finger in mock anger
How you laughed, how you rolled your eyes
You said this, you did that…
The calendar is now marked forever
As before you left, and after
You just picked up and left
No goodbyes, no farewells
The onus on us left behind
To trudge through the quicksand of life
I always knew you’d leave
But when you did
I realized I was hoping you’d stay…

Hey ! Are you there? Are you listening?
I want to tell you something
I am angry, very angry- but
Did I tell you how much I have loved you
Did you know how much you meant to me?
Wait, I cannot let you go yet
I refuse to think you are not here
You are still here amidst us
In our words, in our thoughts
Now and forever…

#NaPoWriMo18