The sand is trickling...

When one is younger, one looks at each passing day with eager anticipation, one can’t wait to grow up. Milestones to be passed, thresholds to be crossed.

However, I now perceive each passing day/ weekend differently. I’m aware of passing time, years, like the slipping of sand from between my fingers. While I cannot say that I’m petrified, I must admit that I’m anxious about impending separations, coping with crises. And while I know that Life is all about the Here and Now, I realise that I’ve to take effort to shrug away the fears, the uncertainties of the Future.

I do not dwell upon such thoughts, but neither can I dissociate completely from the concept of mortality and the futility of everything. The idea remains as a backdrop in my consciousness. I admit that though this constant awareness does not dilute the essence of my present, yet I do feel a certain disenchantment at some level.

For a daughter…

This started of as a comment to a post by mommy of2 but I had a hunch it would get a bit long, so decided to post it as a blog.

I’m a mother of two sons- two sons who are my very life. However, I had always yearned for a daughter; right from the time I first started wondering what it would feel like to become a mother.

When my first son was born, I thought that I could still perhaps have a daughter. Then when I was informed that my second baby was also going to be a son, I came home and cried bitterly. Though today I can look back at that day with detachment, I remember I had felt very sad. Of course, I reminded myself to be grateful and pray for a healthy baby. For the next few years after the birth of my second son, I did feel a pang whenever I heard of a birth of a baby girl to a friend or relative.

Today, as I look at my younger son, I feel no regrets. I very consciously and deliberately trained myself not to think about daughters with longing. I just refused to let my thoughts go there and I can say that I managed to succeed in detaching myself from the yearning that I once nurtured. I’ve also succeeded in desensitizing myself from random insensitive comments that sometimes still come my way. Today I can look at little girls with happiness, fondness, pure affection without any remnant pangs.

I have two little girls coming to me for tuitions and I enjoy my time with them. I get to see several little cute girls at the dance class- and I love watching them, hearing them talk.

Today, I’m grateful for my sons and I just want them to grow up as good persons.

Home Sweet Home

Recently, I read a post in which the writer says that she is in quest of a ‘home’. Home is not where she lives currently. ‘Home’ used to be where her mom was, but now when she went back it no longer felt like Home. Then where is her ‘home’? She is still looking- she does get glimpses of ‘home’ at certain moments- but they’re transient…she wonders if she’s chasing a mirage, whether ‘home’ has been relegated to a mere concept? She is worried if she will be chasing it forever?

That set me wondering…what is ‘home’ for me? Today, it is this place where I live with my husband and children- the answer forms in my mind immediately. Why is this place ‘home’ for me, I want to find out. I think that I’ve never connected home with its geographical location.

For me, home is this flat where I live. Here, I rule. I do what I like when I like, how I like. No questions asked, no answers expected. I like that. While I’m not totally undisciplined, I’ve never enjoyed living by rules. I like to move ‘araam se’- I love to amble along life, watch others racing by- wave to them. I don’t enjoy living by the clock to the second. I like to just follow it casually. If I make commitments, I’ve to stick to it and I do it. But if I’ve to be racing against time and demands constantly, I lose perspective of who I’m. I need respite in between.

Any place where I would have to do things by clockwork, where I have to do things according to rules charted out by others, within stipulated time would be stifling. This I mean only with regard to ‘home’ and not work place. I used to work in the past and had no problems with punctuality, sincerity, overtime, deadlines. It is only ‘Home’ where I expect things to be laid back. In fact that is why I call it ‘home’ in the first place.

For me, home is the place to unwind, relax. Of course, there should be some basic discipline especially if one is bringing up kids. May be sleeping late now and then, bathing a little later than usual, postpone the folding of laundry ( provided it is not piled on the living room sofa) and yet the sky would not come crashing down. Having to abide by strict rules and timings at all times, then that would not be ‘home’ for me.

I understand that I don’t enjoy doing things because I’m supposed to or expected to.
However, with age comes responsibilities and duties to others and I understand and accept that Life is not about having my way all the time, it is not about doing only those things that I like. I’m willing to adjust and accommodate for others now and then, as long as I know it’s not going to be forever and that I’ll be going ‘home’ sooner or later. :-)

But I need to be on my own in between to get recharged to be able to extend beyond my comfort zone and fulfill my responsibilities cheerfully and sincerely.

I also realise that definitions of love, acceptance and tolerance have evolved with changes in my life.

I’m not too sure if my definitions are right- Sometimes I even have doubts if it is fair. But I’ve no choice but to acknowledge that this is how I am.

A Different tag

So this is a different tag from Chet. One has to just upload a snap from one’s childhood. So I rummaged in the cupboards and dug out the ancient albums and managed to find one of mine as a baby- just six months old. I’m afraid the clarity is wanting.

I would like to tag Hiphop grandma and Usha. I sincerely hope they are able to dig into the archives of family portraits and find their childhood snaps.

I don’t remember the first time I met her. What I remember is her smile that lit up her huge eyes, her cheerfulness that made us forget that she was in extreme physical discomfort. She was so loving, her talk was so animated, that her listener could not help marvelling.

Its been a long, long time since I met her last- and now she is no more….She- whom I called Rudrani ammayi- because she was my uncle- Sukumaramman’s wife .
I just feel blessed to have known her…

Saw the tamil movie “Vidukkathai” ( Director- Ahathiyan) again the other day .I had seen this movie some years ago and had loved it then too. Its about how a young girl of 18 falls in love with a man in his forties. The role of the girl is played by Neena ( the child artiste in Keladi Kanmani) and the middle aged man’s role is essayed by Prakash Raj.
I liked the way the story evolved, I liked the acting. I liked the way the complexes of the man surfaces , his reactions to the comments of people around, I liked the way how the girl dealt with them. I enjoyed the movie all over again. I'm not sure if the movie was a hit.

More about Blogging and me.

1. Are you happy/satisfied with your blog, with its content and look? Does your family know about your blog?

Yes, I’m satisfied with the look of my blog which was given to me by my dear friend Aalapana. I’m not good at tinkering with the template. However, of late, I find I’m increasignly feeling discontented with the contents of my blog. There is a listlessness, a sense of dissatisfaction with what I’m writing. I feel the need to write more, better. I remember the sense of ‘thripthi´( satisfaction) I used to feel long ago after I had posted. This feeling I do not experience nowadays.


2. Does your family know about your blog?


Yes, a few of my family members do know that I blog, and a couple of them do read my posts too.



3. Do you feel embarrassed to let your friends know about your blog or do you consider it a private thing?


I do not feel embarrassed but yes, I do hesitate to let all my friends know about my blog, but that is only because I don’t want the awareness to interfere with my spontanaeity in expression.


4. Did Blogs have a positive change in your thoughts?

Yes, I can confidently say that blogging has brought about a positive change in my thoughts. In the beginning, I was extremely encouraged by the the feedback I got, and that gave me a boost of confidence. The interaction in the virtual world enriched my life and has given me much happiness.
Reading others’ blogs has opened up a fascinating world of myriad experiences, perspectives, ideas.I’ve immensely enjoyed marveling the writing skills of several bloggers – their wrting styles, sense of humour. It has indeed changed my attitude to life in several ways.


5. Do you only open the blogs of those who comment on your blog or do you love to go and discover new blogs for yourself?

No, I go blog hopping from the comments section of other bloggers too. I love discovering new blogs and I’ve a really long list of blogs to read saved in my pc. I don’t always leave comments though.


6. What does the visitor counter mean to you? do you care about putting it on your blog?

When I first installed the site meter, I used to follow it up very religiously. I used to be thrilled to see the number of people who visit my page. But nowadays, I don’t look it up at all. So, now if there are no comments on my blog, I’m not sure if anybody has even read my post.


7. Do you try to imagine your fellow bloggers and give them real pictures?

I don’t always imagine the faces of the other bloggers, but I’ve wondered how they might look on a couple of occasions when there had been a prospect of meeting a few of them. But in the virtual world, it is more of interacting with thoughts and the faces doesn’t really matter.


8. Do you think there is a real benefit to blogging?


For me , Yes, I do think there is a real benefit to blogging .


9. Do you think that bloggers society is isolated from the real world or interacts with events?


Not really, because Ifeel that blogs mostly reflect real lfie experiences, thoughts. In fact , perhaps more real because the anonymity helps the blogger to be utterly honest than one would perhaps be in real life.


10. Does criticism annoy you or do you feel it is a normal thing?


Healthy and constructive criticism is a good thing. However if the intent is simply malicious then it is best ignored.


11. Do you fear some political blogs and do you avoid them?


Politics do not interest me, and conflicting ideologies if not tempered with tolerance cause unpleasant situations sometimes and I prefer to stay away from such scenario.


12. Did you get shocked by the arrest of some bloggers?

I was not aware of the arrests and if the arrests were to prevent harmful situations, I guess it may be justified, but ideally freedom of expression on blogs without misuse should be prevalent.


13. Do you think about what will happen to your blog after you die?


Hmm. . in fact this thought had occurred to me at some random moment. I guess my blogspace would just stop getting updated,obviously and then perhaps a few regular readers (?) might wonder what happened to me. I do have a couple of friends in the virtual world who do try to call me up and check if I‘m doing fine, if I remain silent for a stretch of time, and then may be these friends would mention it on their posts!


14. Which blogger has made the greatest impression on you?

Quite a fewof them and for different reasons. It is difficult to mention just one, still I would say Hip Hop grand mom, Akeeyu, Star gazer Lalita, Velu, Usha, Megha.



15. Which blogger you think is most similar to you?


I would not be able to say that any blogger is similar to me- but at various times, I’ve come across similar tracks of thought, similar ways of expression in different blogs. Sometimes uncanny and sometimes just random coincidences. I remember having read somewhere that how much ever one likes to believe that one is unique, still every thought, feeling and idea has been borne into minds again and again. In fact it is because of being able to relate to some thoughts and ideas, that one enjoys readingthem expressed by others.