Shedding the cloak of Invisibility

How does it feel to remain invisible? You can see everybody, hear everyone- and nobody can see you, hear you…sounds exciting, interesting, intriguing- yeah- I too would’ve thought it would be something like that- but now, I think otherwise- it feels strange, and it does not feel too good- nothing amiss-

I have been wanting to throw off this cloak of invisibility for days now- esp since it was thrust upon me I had not wished for it- I had not asked for it- it just fell upon me…and there I was hidden from view- and then there were those random moments, when I was allowed sneak peeks into the world outside- but it was a one way view- I would greedily peek thru- wanting to catch up with everything and everyone- the world was moving on steadily- had I doubted it would not ? Somethings I would understand and some I would’ve no idea- I would whisper…softly- wanting to be heard and yet not sure- but the invisibility had made me feel like an intruder sometimes- just in my mind, I was aware- and yet I could not find my voice- I knew that I just have to speak louder, but it was like I had lost my voice- or may be I had forgotten the language? And then I would get ready to holler after a little deliberation, a little thought- and poof- the cloak of invisibility shrouded me yet again- The world kept moving- hey wait for me…I wanted to scream- wait ., wait…but nobody heard- and I kept gazing into the darkness…

Writing down thoughts, feelings used to be such a personal thing- just between my diary and me- and it did not matter- but this community thing has become a big “nasha”- I want to hear, I want to be heard- now is that good or bad…who knows? It’s the “EGO” in capitals- that’s what they say- my thoughts need to be shared- not to be validated perhaps- yet there is this need to be heard- while I address the community at large- and yet- actually, I feel like I’m talking to each at a personal level…there is a certain expectation, a certain idea as to how each person reacts, responds- an there is a curiosity value- one hears voices in response- be it assent or dissent there is a sense of self gratification- a sense of belonging- while I’m fully involved in the activities of the “real” world- a very satisfying life in its own way- yet what it is that I seek in this sea of voices, words…what is it that gives me a feeling of feeling “left out” when I’m unable to participate- when I do not find a voice/ or the medium to express my thoughts- Is it good or bad- I know not- but it is- that I cannot deny…but yes, I am concerned about this need in me- I can and will find a way around the life of invisibility- if I have to , but then there would be a void…

Today, for now, as I was reading some old posts- the comments – esp abt the world becoming a smaller place and the ensuing comments- suddenly I was seized by the desperate need to scream out loud…I want to be here- I want to hear you- I want to be heard- and I’m not embarrassed by this need…because that is what I am- and I cannot pretend…I like to hear from you- and when I use the pronoun “you”- I mean you, you, you and you…each and everyone of you- you have the power to make me feel happy, sad, dejected- I chose to bestow this power upon you- when I don’t hear from you, I miss you- I wonder about your silences- I like it if you seek me out if I am not around- makes me feel good- I wonder if you missed me when I was not around…

I started this one, on an impulse- I wanted to literally scream- and then I got stuck with words- I kept deleting , rephrasing- because, I was thinking of the your reactions- your responses- and then I thought what the heck- I cannot stop being what I’m- and so that I may not flounder for words- I paused not to think about you, you and you- to whom I’m speaking- I just imagined I was writing in my diary yet again- and then the words kept tumbling …rolling one after the other- falling upon themselves- and here they’re let loose-