Today again there was that fraction of a moment when somebody’s
expression suddenly gave me the illusion
that I was actually talking to you. It is such a fleeting moment but in that
fraction of a second , I believe you are right here – in front of me, for that
fleeting moment, I experience a sense of revelry that you are still here among
us. And the next moment yet again that sinking feeling emerges reminding me of
the painful truth that you are not here any more. One wishes to prolong that
sense of suspended belief , that delusion but it is not to be. There is a pang
in the depths of the heart, an overwhelming sense of loss, a feeling of
desolation, hopelessness, and futility. And yet there is a weird feeling of
reassurance , a sense of absurd relief that you are still alive in our
memories. Because I’m terrified of letting myself forget you. Because if I
forget you then that will be the true end and that I can’t bear. When you flash
in my memory, then it means that you still are, that you shall remain. And for
me to go on, I need to believe that . I need to believe that you are watching,
that you understand …
I like thinking about you, remembering your expressions, your chuckles, your laughter. I love talking about you... without my eyes welling up. I like to smile when I think about you, talk about you... I like to think you are watching, listening, smiling too... may be, just may be that I would have liked to see you again, talk to you again, listen to you some more, tell you a few more special things... 