Are you there???

Today again there was that  fraction of a moment when somebody’s expression suddenly gave me  the illusion that I was actually talking to you. It is such a fleeting moment but in that fraction of a second , I believe you are right here – in front of me, for that fleeting moment, I experience a sense of revelry that you are still here among us. And the next moment yet again that sinking feeling emerges reminding me of the painful truth that you are not here any more. One wishes to prolong that sense of suspended belief , that delusion but it is not to be. There is a pang in the depths of the heart, an overwhelming sense of loss, a feeling of desolation, hopelessness, and futility. And yet there is a weird feeling of reassurance , a sense of absurd relief that you are still alive in our memories. Because I’m terrified of letting myself forget you. Because if I forget you then that will be the true end and that I can’t bear. When you flash in my memory, then it means that you still are, that you shall remain. And for me to go on, I need to believe that . I need to believe that you are watching, that you understand …

I like thinking about you, remembering your expressions, your chuckles, your laughter. I love talking about you... without my eyes welling up. I like to smile when I think about you, talk about you... I like to think you are watching, listening, smiling too... may be, just may be that I would have liked to see you again, talk to you again, listen to you some more, tell you a few more special things...

Way Beyond...

You want to chain me in words. Cage me in boxes. You want to define me. You want to claim you understand me, you have got me all figured out. You want to cross check, you want to prove, you want to analyse ,you want to dissect, you want me to fulfil criteria charted out by you- you want me to adhere to facts generated by you, to observe rules drawn out by you, to abide by regulations fabricated by you!

You want me to have me tallied- you want to quantify me- you want to have me accounted for!

You want to tether me in words, in tabular columns, in bar graphs…you are excited when you think human intellect covers me up totally- and that I cannot exist beyond that!! You pat yourself thinking you’ve got me all figured out!

But sorry- I don’t fit in- I cannot be caged or chained in words or definitions, in facts or figures, you can’t map me , you can’t chart me out- I extend beyond your x-y axes…

I stray into un-chartered territories- un-traversed by human intellect- I stretch across borders and definitions- I am invisible, I am intangible- how can you hope to catch me with your finite intellect when you can’t even see me fully?

I escape like sand in your clenched fists- I am in the air you breathe- and the air without - I’m in the void- I am in the spaces. I exist in thoughts that cannot be expressed, in feelings that cannot be understood- I am in your sighs, even in your yawns. The alphabets shall never suffice to encompass me, language shall always be found wanting.

I’m grainier than the sand grains on the seashore- saltier than all the salt in the sea. I'm colder than the ice flakes in the arctic, deeper than the tears in your eyes. I’m in the roots that meander their way under the earth, in the leaves that sprouted and then wither and fall; I'm in the buds that are yet to blossom.

I’m the colours beyond the vibgyor, the sounds beyond hearing. I’m brighter than the sparkle in a child’s eye. I go beyond learning, beyond understanding, beyond experiences- then why this craving to have me all figured out- hold me in your clasp- chain me in fetters of grammar and format?
You see, I existed before all that…

Why is it so difficult to accept that there could be things beyond language, beyond borders, beyond limits, beyond concepts, beyond definitions? Is it really so difficult to comprehend?

I am so much, so much more - beyond your reach… beyond your view… beyond the distant horizon…

The spell has broken...

 As I walked down the only too familiar road, I very consciously and deliberately tried to coerce my sleeping memories alive. I searched for familiar sights,  I tried to breathe in familiar smells, I tried to rouse dormant sensations…I tried to retrace my steps, I closed my eyes, visualising images of the past.  

I saw nothing, smelt nothing, felt nothing. It was the same place and yet it was no longer.

 Everything felt unreal, empty. I had grieved the passage of time, yearned for lost moments. Now I had come back but found nothing that I thought I was seeking. Is there a sense of loss?  No, not even that. Just an emptiness and a numbness.

What had changed? The  place? Perhaps…

It is I who have changed. Forever. I am no longer that person.

That place in the depths of my heart no longer exists outside. Finally  I can stop looking for it every time I return. Let sleeping memories lie...


Ref: Nostalgia: thy sting