Simbly....

the back ache has decreased considerably- the ayurvedic medicine has proved to be highly effective, tho I cannot rave about the taste- but amma always said medicine is not to be taken for its taste but to cure- ok then- I’d rather gulp the medicine than bear the pain and worse the fears and anxieties wondering which terrible malady I’m afflicted with…

I’ve been flitting from blog to blog- from one link to another and then follg other links from there and I keep adding them to my blog roll- I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to catch up with all the blogs but then I do so enjoy reading most of them- the content, the style, the language all amaze me so - yet I’ve to admit- they give me a major complex too- people here are so articulate and express so beautifully- that I shrink from my own… and then I tell myself- it doesn’t matter- I write only to put my thoughts into words- just for myself and I feel a trifle better- and yet I wish I cud put down my thoughts in a better way- precisely how- I don’t know- I cannot stop writing the way I do- I mean that’s me- but I no longer put the thumbs up at dss- simply becos, I feel my jottings are getting increasingly subjective- personal ramblings- I wonder at times if I come across as silly- or something- so let me be .. and I also feel the need to wipe out that little audience in my head to be able to pour out my thoughts honestly- to stop Ardra from monitoring N's thoughts, words- so if I'm left with the feeling that nobody reads these words, I'm able to be more of myself...no burden of soundin corect, thoughtful, diplomatic vagera vagera...
and if if somebody drops by by accident- oh- well- poor unsuspecting reader- is all I can say…these are just my thoughts –

And then I see all that jingamajigga- stuff of sitemeter,blog clicker, blog ranking, abt increasg blog traffic- and I keep wondering…

Emptiness within and without...

And then there are those times when so many things take place together at a time and you don’t know where to begin…no nothing drastic or lifethreatening as Katrina or Rita and yet a flurry of activitites which has sort of tilted the balance of a hitherto placid, eventless existence…

Amma and achhan who had been gone to stay with my brother and family for 3 months are back…I remember how lost I felt when I went to see them off – though I did not get to see them for more than 4 months at times- suddenly the ocean between me and them seemed unsurmountable- but my brother was eager to have them with him for a few months- and I could not grudge him that-

And achhan would tell me what time it was as he was speaking to me from there- he’d say that the sun did not set until late at night- how he could not go to sleep- he wanted to know if it rained in kerala- how much…he bemoaned how there was nobody on the streets- but he relished my brother’s company- amma was more comfortable there- she did not find as much difficulty spending time as achhan- and I realized how they kept thinking of us as they took in the amazing sights at Niagra- Washington, Chicago- as they shopped – as they sped thru the freeways-
They’re full of stories about their grandson- my nephew- somebody who is so close to me- and yet I get to see him only in snaps, the pc, and cd... as I listen about his exploits- his actions, his talk, I feel cheated- that I’d never get to see him as a baby- he’ll be soon grow up and may be I’ll never get a chance to know him as a person…he is my brother’s son- we’re linked by genes and still…

And as I watched the cds that they brought back- I realized I was more interested in watching my brother than the sights- my little brother was now so grown up… he was not little anymore- and when I kept slipping into calling him “kanna”- while his own kanna romped about- that time frame is lost forever- while I’m happy to seem him in his role of a husband and father, why is there this pang in my heart- why do I long to have him near me… why does the thought that our meetings would now only be for a few days in a whole year- only words across the net, only a voice across the seas- and I too am busy with my own family here- with the concerns of a wife and mother, why do I still have moments of rankling??? Why does it hurt so??? While I had believed that I had accepted these facts of life- and that I was flowing serenely along …suddenly such moments overwhelm me- and the realization that those moments of the life we had spent as brother and sister are now on the other side- lost forever-though in the flow of life, one does get reconciled to distances...it is at moments as these that the thought of being so far from somebody who was once almost an extension of one's own existence, mind, body and soul....suddenly impinges upon oneself and overwhelms one's being with a strange sense of emptiness and deep sense of loss...that one shall get to see dear ones only for hours/days mebbe once in 2 yeas or so is difficult to accept at such moments.... it hurts…hurts real bad…

And I can see amma and achhan also handling these emotions- wrt both me and my brother- and I can foresee tomorrow- wrt my own puttars…and Life keeps flowing…it’s the way everywhere…nothing new…

Achhan and amma stayed with me for a week and today they left back to their home in Kerala…and I’m sitting here- the house suddenly empty- just me and so many thoughts ..

And yes seems sulekha weblogs are back- hope all the bloggers go back and save all their posts- would be a pity if they lost their thoughts and feelings to cyberspace… anyway everything is transient so then nothing matters I guess…

No more....

Sulekha weblogs is no more...

tho I had been a bit irregular visiting sulekha weblogs of late- still I used to read some blogs regularly...
wish they had made an announcement or something before pulling the plug of the weblogs- so that the bloggers could have saved their posts- so many good ones lost to cyberspace void forever-
I do have most of my posts saved in my pc tho, but now that I know there are no weblogs, I wish to go back and read some of the posts that I had liked a lot...

Justjoo- Quest

Yea so first let me begin with the thought that this is not a blog- becos when I let words pour forth as for a blog, then my thoughts which had been hitherto haphazard, random and cluttered just line up like well mannered cadets - and I don’t want that- I want my thoughts to be as cluttered, incoherent- but it has become increasingly difficult- in fact even when I write something totally unrelated to blogging- this sensation of being watched looms up- and thoughts and feelings begin to behave…I long for the spontaeinity- the recklessness the impulsiveness that my thoughts used to assume- I want to think unthought thoughts- charter unmarked territories with regard to feelings- but whenever I get started and the words reach a visible quotient, I experience a kind of smugness of having got something yet again to blog- oh how do I shake off this feeling?

What used to be pouring forth without pre meditation now has to be coaxed, coerced, reminded, persuaded …
I remember how once I had famously claimed to anetra that I never premeditated on my blogs- how it all poured oh- so- spontaneously from my head onto the pc thru my fingers- how spontaneous and off the cuff the whole process was- now, I chomp, chew, and digest all my words that I had uttered nay typed out so pompously- But yes, I must say that when I claimed that I truly believed every single word.

Today penning my thoughts has become so tiresome, so tedious- so prim and propah- so politically correct, like the prospective entrants in the beauty pageants- the perfect smiles, the right intonation to the laughter, the exact dosage of compassion and love sparkling in the eyes…so dull- in fact trying to pen my thoughts as faithfully as they form in my mind has become a deliberate chore. Sometimes I wonder, if I’ve stopped thinking thoughts- I’ve this cute little audience –all lined up in my head- filtering every word in my thought- pruning and sprucing ..I’m tired of Ardra monitoring N’s thoughts and words-

Now I think I understand the trauma of celebrities- I mean they have this huge public life and then their wanting to crouch into a personal niche- and yet one has the overboding sense of being watched- the media is always just around the corner- it must be scary –the real and the perceived fringes would be so fragile- and even the person might lose touch with the “real”.. like an actor was to have said something to the effect that an actor has to be polite most of the time, very careful with every word he utters, evry expression- it must be so difficult to live like that- being able to react spontaneously must be a luxury- I guess- and the public kind of believe that they have every right to know every aspect of the celebrity’s life- the price one has to pay for fame and adulation.

And then there are these blogs that I have been reading- some are so brilliant in content, narration, style- especially those tinged with humour- I cant help wishing I could write like that- I remember how it used to be once like now that I’ve got a computer and internet, I have to blog- every thought, every word was a kind of adventure, a revelation- getting to make friends online was so exciting- and then it was just another kind of diary writing, and now its like while I can’t say I’m bored of it- it does not give me the high that I used to feel anymore- and while I do understand that it is a natural ebb and tide as with all things, yet there is a discontent at some level- something that I cannot quite define- I’m still seeking something more- and since I know not what is it that I’m seeking, I have no idea how to go about trying to find it-

Listening to songs...

I was listening to those songs that nithya was talking abt and liked some of them- the ones from a-ah, and ghajini…esp "suttum vizhi" and the one that goes “rahatulla’ sung by Anupama- I love the gusto and power in her intonations. Can never forget that song “chandralekha” from “thiruda thiruda”. I saw her singing that song on stage for some award function telecast- she looked so demure and beautiful- and when she belted that vigorous song- dancing along- it was great.

I like to watch the singers enjoying themselves as they sing- somehow it has more effect than when they stand sedately and sing politely into the mike.

I also liked the songs from “oru naal oru kanavu”- the khajuraho song reminded me of “oru pattampuchhi nenjukkulle “ from “kathalukku maryaadai” and “kaatril varum geetham” reminded me of “naam gum jaayega” from “kinara”- My cousin brother says that the movie was lousy.
I saw “azhagiya theeye” y’day on T.V- nice movie- liked it- but kept expecting Prakash Raj to spring up some villainous shock any time- I was not taken in by his nice guy acting at all…but I was happily mistaken- he was indeed a good guy all the while- he looks eccentric to me-even when he is a normal, nice guy- I liked him best in “vidukkathai” where the heroine was the little girl from “keladi kanmani”.

Something to say...

My pevious blogspot got infected and I lost my blogroll links. Neelu got a new one for me, and I painstakingly added the links again. You wont believe the extent I went to get a couple of lost links- I had to track them for hours from another blogger list- but eventually I got those back.

It was Krishna Jayanthi the other day- when I asked the elder girl who comes for tuitions what was special abt the day- she told me it was Krishna’s B’day- and she seemed a trifle disappointed that I did not seem to be doing anything abt it- no celebrations nothing- but then as usual we got all the b’day goodies from the friendly neighbourhood- and I sent them back “puttu and cherupayar kootaan” ( rice and grated coconut steamed rolls with green gram curry).

In the morning I accompanied my Vallyamma ( MIL) and her gang to their friend’s home for a puja- We all sang devotional songs- and got some more goodies as prasadam. Some of them sang beautifully and with devotion I may add, where as there was this maami who sang loudly only to submerge melody and others voices- devotion was farthest from her mind-

I have been having this excruciating back ache for the past two weeks- not continuously tho- just now and then- and while it bothered me, I was like in the depths of anxiety, agony and worry. I mean I have this smattering “knowledge” of allopathy and ayurveda and this really loooooong list of maladies which I kept ticking or scratching according to the whim of the hour- and when the pain subsided, I was so relieved, I had been watching my little student demonstrating the various “asanas” that she had recently learnt- and almost envied her flexibility and agility…I caught myself wondering once while in the clutches of a quite agonizing spasms of pain, whether I would ever be able to regain my agility. I realize it is not always enough to feel young especially when one’s muscles and bones refuse to co operate. It is when one is unwell, when the simplest of movements make one wince, that one realizes the value of being well and without pain-

The other day, the older girl gave me tough time with her Sanskrit pronounciation. I believe that a language’s beauty lies in its correct enunciation. And I would make sure that she got it right- I made her repeat the sounds again and again- and she has improved considerably since last year. She has finally begun pronouncing Bihar as Bihar and not Bigar, Neha and not Nega, Maharashtra and not Magarashtra. But last week, she was not getting the consonants + vowels right and here I was, the epitome of patience- something which my own kids have never witnessed- repeating it over and over again…but she just could not get it right- ka, kaa, ki, kee, ku, koo.. but she would falter repeatedly with kay, kai, ko, kow- both in the written and reading forms- Finally I lost it- no, no I did not resort to corporal punishment- I’d never do that, but I think my voice and expression could be worse. I just told her that I could not teach her anymore, and that we would stop the tuitions. Anyway she cringed in fear, tears lurked in her eyes and I relented… but I was exhausted- I could feel the throbbing in my temples, the nerves tightened to knots in the back of my neck- and I was totally washed out…
I spoke to her mother soon after she left and told her what happened that day. The mother assured me that it was fine, and that her daughter needed a tinge of fear instilled in order to be motivated to study- I was not too happy with the situation, and the girl’s tear filled eyes haunted me the rest of the evening.

I was eager to see her the next day- and when she did , she was her usual bubbly, mischievous self- as if the previous day had never happened- I fussed over her and her younger sister and when we tackled the Sanskrit exercises that day- Lo Behold- she got everything right at the first attempt!! When I broke my head over the lessons- she did not grasp and when I lost my temper, she simply absorbed it at one go- but I did not want to repeat the episode again- It was too much heart burn!

Nothing to say...

Yea, the idea that tragedies happen to other people is fast fading- especially today technology has made the world so much smaller- when I first heard abt Katrina’s approach, my first thought was which of my virtual friends are around the area- and each time I see the News, read the paper, my thoughts immediately wander of to the people living there-

I remember when I first heard of Mumbai floods- I did not realize its impact- as the pictures on TV began to get increasingly disturbing I tried calling my cousin sisters who live there- I could not get through to two of them , while the third had just reached how after wading thru chest deep slush and water for 3 hours- as I held the phone to my ear speechless, a choke in my throat thinking about my little sister in that situation, I was alarmed- that she had reached home safely and I was now talking to her dawned on me only a couple of moments later- she told me how terrified she had been- how her 4 year old son was at the play school- how there was no news of her husband- how she was chanting prayers aloud as she waded through the murky waters holding the hands of 2 of her colleagues- I had no words to say- except thank The Almighty in my mind for looking after her that day.

And whenever I saw the frantic messages being flashed on TV by anxious relatives enquiring abt their near and dear ones marooned in Mumbai- I cannot describe the thoughts that ran through my mind… one is utterly helpless – and recently there has been such a spate of disasters one after the other- it is simply nerve wracking- the tsunami- the floods- now Katrina, and one building after the other seems to be falling to the ground in Mumbai- one is afraid to read the papers-



And like a friend said,

But life will go on, the fallen will get up and walk again, firstslowly then with a faster pace. The resilience of human-beings, as always will prevail.

Sometimes, when I think of the distant future when we will all have been gone from this world- and the magnitude of the present is reduced to zilch- then where does the present devastations, pains, fears and sorrows figure? Why? Why? Why?