Yea so first let me begin with the thought that this is not a blog- becos when I let words pour forth as for a blog, then my thoughts which had been hitherto haphazard, random and cluttered just line up like well mannered cadets - and I don’t want that- I want my thoughts to be as cluttered, incoherent- but it has become increasingly difficult- in fact even when I write something totally unrelated to blogging- this sensation of being watched looms up- and thoughts and feelings begin to behave…I long for the spontaeinity- the recklessness the impulsiveness that my thoughts used to assume- I want to think unthought thoughts- charter unmarked territories with regard to feelings- but whenever I get started and the words reach a visible quotient, I experience a kind of smugness of having got something yet again to blog- oh how do I shake off this feeling?
What used to be pouring forth without pre meditation now has to be coaxed, coerced, reminded, persuaded …
I remember how once I had famously claimed to anetra that I never premeditated on my blogs- how it all poured oh- so- spontaneously from my head onto the pc thru my fingers- how spontaneous and off the cuff the whole process was- now, I chomp, chew, and digest all my words that I had uttered nay typed out so pompously- But yes, I must say that when I claimed that I truly believed every single word.
Today penning my thoughts has become so tiresome, so tedious- so prim and propah- so politically correct, like the prospective entrants in the beauty pageants- the perfect smiles, the right intonation to the laughter, the exact dosage of compassion and love sparkling in the eyes…so dull- in fact trying to pen my thoughts as faithfully as they form in my mind has become a deliberate chore. Sometimes I wonder, if I’ve stopped thinking thoughts- I’ve this cute little audience –all lined up in my head- filtering every word in my thought- pruning and sprucing ..I’m tired of Ardra monitoring N’s thoughts and words-
Now I think I understand the trauma of celebrities- I mean they have this huge public life and then their wanting to crouch into a personal niche- and yet one has the overboding sense of being watched- the media is always just around the corner- it must be scary –the real and the perceived fringes would be so fragile- and even the person might lose touch with the “real”.. like an actor was to have said something to the effect that an actor has to be polite most of the time, very careful with every word he utters, evry expression- it must be so difficult to live like that- being able to react spontaneously must be a luxury- I guess- and the public kind of believe that they have every right to know every aspect of the celebrity’s life- the price one has to pay for fame and adulation.
And then there are these blogs that I have been reading- some are so brilliant in content, narration, style- especially those tinged with humour- I cant help wishing I could write like that- I remember how it used to be once like now that I’ve got a computer and internet, I have to blog- every thought, every word was a kind of adventure, a revelation- getting to make friends online was so exciting- and then it was just another kind of diary writing, and now its like while I can’t say I’m bored of it- it does not give me the high that I used to feel anymore- and while I do understand that it is a natural ebb and tide as with all things, yet there is a discontent at some level- something that I cannot quite define- I’m still seeking something more- and since I know not what is it that I’m seeking, I have no idea how to go about trying to find it-