Saturday, September 24, 2005

Emptiness within and without...

And then there are those times when so many things take place together at a time and you don’t know where to begin…no nothing drastic or lifethreatening as Katrina or Rita and yet a flurry of activitites which has sort of tilted the balance of a hitherto placid, eventless existence…

Amma and achhan who had been gone to stay with my brother and family for 3 months are back…I remember how lost I felt when I went to see them off – though I did not get to see them for more than 4 months at times- suddenly the ocean between me and them seemed unsurmountable- but my brother was eager to have them with him for a few months- and I could not grudge him that-

And achhan would tell me what time it was as he was speaking to me from there- he’d say that the sun did not set until late at night- how he could not go to sleep- he wanted to know if it rained in kerala- how much…he bemoaned how there was nobody on the streets- but he relished my brother’s company- amma was more comfortable there- she did not find as much difficulty spending time as achhan- and I realized how they kept thinking of us as they took in the amazing sights at Niagra- Washington, Chicago- as they shopped – as they sped thru the freeways-
They’re full of stories about their grandson- my nephew- somebody who is so close to me- and yet I get to see him only in snaps, the pc, and cd... as I listen about his exploits- his actions, his talk, I feel cheated- that I’d never get to see him as a baby- he’ll be soon grow up and may be I’ll never get a chance to know him as a person…he is my brother’s son- we’re linked by genes and still…

And as I watched the cds that they brought back- I realized I was more interested in watching my brother than the sights- my little brother was now so grown up… he was not little anymore- and when I kept slipping into calling him “kanna”- while his own kanna romped about- that time frame is lost forever- while I’m happy to seem him in his role of a husband and father, why is there this pang in my heart- why do I long to have him near me… why does the thought that our meetings would now only be for a few days in a whole year- only words across the net, only a voice across the seas- and I too am busy with my own family here- with the concerns of a wife and mother, why do I still have moments of rankling??? Why does it hurt so??? While I had believed that I had accepted these facts of life- and that I was flowing serenely along …suddenly such moments overwhelm me- and the realization that those moments of the life we had spent as brother and sister are now on the other side- lost forever-though in the flow of life, one does get reconciled to distances...it is at moments as these that the thought of being so far from somebody who was once almost an extension of one's own existence, mind, body and soul....suddenly impinges upon oneself and overwhelms one's being with a strange sense of emptiness and deep sense of loss...that one shall get to see dear ones only for hours/days mebbe once in 2 yeas or so is difficult to accept at such moments.... it hurts…hurts real bad…

And I can see amma and achhan also handling these emotions- wrt both me and my brother- and I can foresee tomorrow- wrt my own puttars…and Life keeps flowing…it’s the way everywhere…nothing new…

Achhan and amma stayed with me for a week and today they left back to their home in Kerala…and I’m sitting here- the house suddenly empty- just me and so many thoughts ..

And yes seems sulekha weblogs are back- hope all the bloggers go back and save all their posts- would be a pity if they lost their thoughts and feelings to cyberspace… anyway everything is transient so then nothing matters I guess…

1 comment:

yet another1 said...

i've just read the kite runner and a phrase that is frequently used in the book popped into my head when i read ur blog:
Zendagi migzara or life goes on.

i guess, sometimes it waits for us to catch up.
ano