Sleep ,endless sleep, from which one never has to wake up ,why do you elude me thus?Fear grips my soul I am afraid of what? Of myself? Of this world? Of everything?The face in the mirror is that of a stranger. The eyes are vacant, listless. I feel exhausted my eyelids, they droop, oh! Where can I rest? Where can I put down this heavy burden that I am carrying? But no, my destination is still very far off and I am in the middle of Nowhere.Vast stretches of sand ,only sand all around me, no tracks, no route, only sand in front, behind and on all sides ,time is too little, and I am all alone, - that hairline difference between solitude and loneliness-a void, which nobody or anything could ever occupy. Oh! This oppressing solitude!My co-travellers have gone far ahead ,leaving me lagging painfully. But I have no regrets. I do not grudge them their victory. I feel no envy, no jealousy. I have never been interested in running the race. Fighting has never been my forte. Perhaps I am a defeatist. But I cannot be concerned .Apathy. is my second name. If only I could simply disappear, dissolve into The Void -if only everything would end in a moment, like a bubble burst.But this loneliness oppresses me. The pungent smell of solitude torments my soul. Finally, I resolve to take a step forward ,but wait what is this? My feet refuse to move, are they made of lead?? Standing I remain, neither do I falter nor do I fall, firm as a fixture- my vacant gaze on the fast disappearing forms of my co-travellers. I look on helplessly ,waiting for The Moment of Deliverance!
(the above lines, I jotted many, many years ago in my diary...)