Wednesday, December 08, 2004

The Eternal Quest

I have always sought somebody in whom I could confide totally, completely without inhibition or fear. Someone who could view matters objectively, someone who could tell me where I stand, what I ought to and what I ought not to, someone on whom I could depend, lean at all times and through all phases of my life. Someone with whom I need wear no masks, make no pretences. Someone with whom there is no fear of impending judgment.

I am fed up of having to appear better than I actually am, always wanting others to think well of me. The constant struggle to reach up to others expectations of me, the social obligations to be fulfilled whether one likes it or not, all this tires me no end. It would be such a relief to be just plain myself once in a while, but no, everyone is watching. What will they think? This single all-pervading thought governs every action, word and deed. How many times have I yearned to break the fetters of Society, to express the REAL ME- but I dare not, for fear of disapproval, criticism, ostracism.

But do I myself know the raw, intrinsic me?? I wonder ,One grows up learning to adhere to unwritten codes of conduct, following certain etiquettes and manners that are generally expected of one. Gradually one becomes so accustomed to appearing as one and being another without realizing it. One has to live in society, and one has to be accepted in society. Towards this one has to speak and act in a socially acceptable manner. So to be accepted and liked by the people around me, I try to behave and speak in a particular manner. So also, perhaps the others around me also must be behaving in the manner that they feel would be acceptable. Then where is the real, raw ? What are my REAL opinions, my real attitudes? Dare I acknowledge them even to myself? Sometimes such thoughts make me sick. Then are we all Hypocrites- being one and seeming another? Of course, I realize that if every individual were to speak and behave exactly as they felt, the consequences would be catastrophic. Still, when I come across people who are blatantly split personalities, who profess one thing and practice the opposite, I feel sick in the stomach. So also, I get frustrated when I have to behave in a particular way, simply because it is expected of me. This perpetual struggle of being one and seeming another, and others doing like wise, this vicious circle taunts my soul. At times I am filled with loathing. But dare I be what I actually am at all times or at least sometimes? I shudder to think. Tell me honestly, if each of us were to face our innate thoughts as they form, would we be able to recognize ourselves?

Knowing oneself, one can often gauge the track of others around us though each of us may be singing a different tune altogether. How many times have we smirked inwardly at someone elses remark thinking, Hey, I know what your Real opinion is, whatever you may say,yet outwardly we nod most understandingly. It is all a Universal conspiracy. Every one of us is aware of the underlying currents but each of us connives with one another and we coexist in an illusory world of our own making. Perhaps this is what is termed as MAYA??

It is at this point that I come to where I started- that is if only I had Someone with whom I could be myself, as I REALLY am- with no masks, no pretences ,plain old me with all my flaws and weaknesses. Someone to confide in, the thoughts that lie in the deepest recesses of my mind. I want to be able to look in the eye at the real ME, to acknowledge and accept me as I truly am. Then perhaps I shall be at peace with myself. Who then can this Someone be-one who knows me inside out and yet bear to accept me and love me?? And now at this juncture, I look up to the skies, perhaps only GOD can accept and love the real ME, the whole me! What others see and love are but fragments of the whole. Then is it God whom I seek? The TRUE FRIEND? The Human mortal that I am, the limited, finite sense perceptions that I am endowed with sometimes make me feel handicapped. I crave for a more impinging manifestation, one that my limited senses can perceive, that form which enters the realm of my finite understanding. Yes, I pine for a more personal, face-to-face acquaintance, intimacy with God. At times I am aware of a deep sense of Love, affection towards God and then I am overcome by a severe yearning to see God, to feel God, to speak to Him !

6 comments:

Maltova said...

I dont think its hippocracy to give out real(what i think) opinions when not needed. To think one and say another, is a matter of being polite, while conveying part of the real idea in a milder fashion.

And again the self hallucinogenic mind imposes a writ of hippocracy towards the polite being. Again, maybe im just missing the central point of the blog.

Bringabrahma said...
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Bringabrahma said...
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Bringabrahma said...

I guess we all want to be naturals..but then that may lead to lot of confusion in daily life..ofcource not that I care..and am in to big huge infinite confusions from others who perceive me as so many other thinga than what I am but it's okay If someone really wants to know you they iwll take time..and they remain with u..so I guess ur okay I am okay :)

Priyamvada_K said...

Ardra,
That was straight-from-the-heart, and I could feel your yearning. And your interpretation of Maya made me think.

I too have seen people struggle with this - I've had friends tell me intimate stuff, then swear me to secrecy saying if others know, their 'image' will be spoiled. I'm glad people can be themselves with me, and I have kept their secrets. I am for the most part, myself - and perhaps that's a failing in a way :(. I may sugar coat some things, or keep off from saying something unpleasant, but do not say stuff I do not mean. With near and dear ones, that honesty sometimes doesn't go down well - and my admission of some struggles with things/people has cost me dearly...I would've opened my heart only to be hurt yet again, for saying and feeling as I do.

But what is "near and dear" if one has to pretend even there? Reminds me of the Annamacharya kriti sung so beautifully by M.S.Subbalakshmi:

"naa naati brathuku naatakamu"
(a life like mine is a mere drama)

Take care,
Priya.

Ardra said...

Hi Priyam!Toady, Maltova!

this post was written very, very long ago- long before i heard of internet or blogging...and since then I believe I've come to terms with many things including myself :-) I've grown to be more comfortable with myself- and with the people around me- I'm beginning to be able to accept people and things as they are-and since then I've a group of people with whom I can be just me- with all claws bared- fangs exposed- and still be accepted- and that has made a difference- it has also taught me to be accepting wrt others...

and yes, I think i must've always avoided speaking unpleasant truths- its easier- I 'm uncomfortable with voices raised in dissent- at the most I would speak once what I feel is right and then lapse into listening silence-

but the yearning, the quest still continues...:-)

so happy that u commented- somehow different insights do help...