Thursday, September 21, 2006

Display of Affection

Atul asked in his latest blog :

“Can you love to the point of embarrassing the one you love?”

And this set me thinking- I’ve always thought of myself as someone who has often embarassed a few people with my love- not love exactly but with my display of affection. During my younger days, I had absolutely no qualms in expressing my affection. During the initial years of my mariage too, I was the same- with my new family members. But I could see that they were not used to such external display of affection- they were caught unawares- they were non plussed- and didn’t know how to react sometimes- tho I felt that they were pleased still- just that they did not know how to react- and slowly with the passage of years, I lost my ability to express as I used to- it was so gradual a change that I myself did not notice. And now when someone hugs me- I’m taken by surprise- and though I like the spontaneity of the gesture- I realise I don’t know how to react!

For me , there have been moments when literally I’ve felt so much love that I cant contain it- and I feel choked in a strange way- simply becos I’ve lost touch with how to express my overflowing emotion- I sill am able to express my affection with the people who are closest but with the people just beyond this innermost circle - I’m no longer able to- I’m afraid of embarassing them- and yes, I miss not being able to express it.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Yet another Tag!

Karin took the trouble to give me the questions of the tag on the comments of my previous post- and so here I’m –Thank You Karin- I enjoyed doing this one.

1) Was there any incident in your life which you feel, influenced you in particular?

Many incidents, I guess: Marriage, birth of my children, Death of my grandfather, and one another unpleasant incident which I don’t want to remember any more.

2) What are you afraid of? Please name at least ONE example!

I’m paranoid abt the health and well being of my loved ones.

3) Is there any nature-event, you particularly like (i.e. thunderstorm, rain, snow ect.)?

I like it best when the sky is overcast and there is a yellow glow in the horizon - just before the rains. There is something of the air then that makes me feel at peace- I don’t like heavy rains.

4) What kind of sport (if any) are you fond of or even actively pursue?

I’m afraid I’ve no interest in sports at all. I don’t even watch any sports. While in school, I used to participate in Running and Skipping relays and have even managed to win a few times but I was never passionate abt it. I loved running but the pressure of competing always put me off. ( if interested you may look up the answer to the question on my profile page and you’ll understand)

5) Do you easily get nervous or upset? "Blow up"?

Yes, I think I do- but may be I’m able to control my flare ups a little better nowadays. Atleast that’s what I’d like to believe- I must ask my children. I tend to get nervous when I’m getting late or even if I’m worried I’ll be late. Then another thing that completely rocks me up is when my loved ones fall sick. Then I’ve to really make a conscious effort to calm myself and think positive.

6) Do you dread getting older? Feel the biological clock ticking?

Well, while I don't actually 'dread' getting older, still when I spot yet another grey strand, I admit that something rankles somewhere. There have been random moments when I look into the mirror and have wondered if age is finally making footprints over my face/neck…but then I don’t brood over it. And now that I've started learning Bharathanatyam again, I've discovered that some postures which used to be very easy long ago now causes some agony. This does remind me that I'm no longer as agile as I used to be. I want to focus more on being healthy and cheerful.

7) Are you more a city-person or prefere the country-side?

I like the amenities of city life and the peace of the country side. It would be nice to visit the country side once in a while . Trichy does not feel too much like a bustling city and that helps, I guess.

8) Do you allow any kind of fashion to rule over your taste?

Not much, at least not beyond an experiment with the shape of the neckline of my kurta or sari- blouse.

9) Are you more on the introverted or extroverted side?

Somewhere in between- I’ve no problem going upto people and speaking, I’m not nervous in company, but I do find myself with lack of topics to talk about some times and when the silence looms large and loud, I’ve frantically racked my brains for small talk- and that is exhausting. I enjoy my own company a lot.

10) If you'd have to characterize yourself with one sentence - what would you say?

I guess I am an impulsive person who cannot hide emotions, and I love to laugh (guffaw) out loud without inhibition .

Friday, September 15, 2006

Not been tagged, yet...

During my bloghopping rounds, I saw Lalita’s tag- which later disappeared mysteriously- and I remembered the name of the blogger who had tagged her and so I tracked Chet from her comments – and took up the tag- I went around and have tracked down a couple more tags- but I’ll reserve those for a rainy day- meaning for another day when I’m stuck with nothing to blog abt…
So here’s the first one:

Which is the single best post you’ve read on any blog?

Too many to list actually- but right now I remember Scarlett’s post – the most recent one- I love her style of writing.

Which is the best post you’ve written ? which is the worst?

I really can’t say. Sometimes I’m very excited about what I’m about to post- the feeling vapourises soon after. And at other times, I do not feel too good abt a post- and yet I go ahead- but then sometimes the comments later make me feel gratified enough.
I think I like this one:
Shared Milestones.

How abt a place you’ve never been to but would very much like to?

I’m not too keen abt traveling- and am happiest at home- and so had to do a bit of thinking here and decided on Mercara- have seen it in a Malayalam movie- and remember thinking I would like to go there.

If you were a member of the opposite sex, what would you’ve done differently?

Again my imagination fails me. I find I’m just unable to think as a member of the opposite sex. Still, may be I would try to be the most romantic kind of man to my woman (chuckle- the very thought makes me giggle).I’m just able to think beyond this feminine perspective. That sets me thinking- Are souls female/ male/ asexual?? I wonder…

Do you remember a childhood recurring dream or nightmare? Good or bad tell us abt it:

More than one- and I still see them sometimes but it does not bother me afterwards.
I see myself being late – for something- somewhere.
I see myself appearing for an exam with no preparation.
I see myself losing my way- forgetting my way back.
I see an overflowing dirty toilet.
And err..I see myself being spied upon when changing.

I also used to see myself as having very long, thick tresses- not any more tho- finally guess I’ve accepted that its never to be.

Make me laugh, make me cry- put your words to it:

This is difficult. I mean I just can’t command words to my whim- so let me just post a link- which I hope does not atleast make you want to cry: Scholastic Lullabies

Do you regret the unfulfilled dream, inaccessible roads, uncharted lands?

No regrets as such- yes, a couple of dreams more- which if fulfilled I would consider as bonus. I would say that I’m pretty content with the way things are.

What is a friend to you? What are you to a friend?

A friend to me is someone whom I love, care for deeply- someone, whose happiness matters to me a lot- someone whom I need to reach out to, keep in touch often- doesn’t matter if they don’t/can’t find time. A friend is someone with whom I can be just be myself with no masks- fear of judgment .

Me as a friend- I don’t know if I can claim of being of any real, tangible help to a friend- I just know I feel lot of affection for my friends. I can only hope that I’ve been a good, caring friend to my friends.

A friend is someone who remains- irrespective of the geographical distance- with or without the background score, with or without the props or the prompter- with or without make up, with or without applause or may be even an audience- a friend remains even after the curtain falls…

T.S.Elliot measured his life with coffee spoons. How abt you?

With Icecream scoops- dollops of Life- every moment to be slurped, savoured, relished- and then sit back with the remembered flavors…

Write your own epitaph or if that is too hard how would you like your epitaph to read?

Someone who loved, relished and savoured “Love”

Someone who loved, relished and savoured being Loved

Someone who is very grateful for every moment, every experience, every person who crossed her path, grateful for every single memory…

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

R.I.P Steve Irwin

I was running around the house getting the chores done. It was Onam and my parents had come down to visit. There was plenty to do when my elder son called me with a dazed expression. He showed me a hedline in the paper- Steve Irwin killed in action!
All that I knew about Steve was from what my son used to tell me. All the tid bits of information that he gave me which I listened to sometimes absently, sometimes raptly. I was aware that my son admired the man and he had even told me that some day he hoped to go to Austrlaia and learn under Irwin. And now, this man was no more- I paused- I couldn’t believe it- I hadn’t even watched him on T.V- just from what my son had shared with me- I felt I had known him .

Needless to say, my son was extremely upset. Later, I read about him on the net, papers. He had so many fans and admirers all over the world. It is indeed a colossal loss to the animal world and animal lovers.

Of course among the umpteen adulatory obituaries, there was the random comment- accusing Irwin of having been too daring, to the point of craziness, and I found myself thinking on similar lines too- meaning I wished he had been a bit more cautious, careful. Now, his family had to face this irreparable loss- his children had become fatherless.

On Sunday, I watched the Marathon tribute to the Crocodile Hunter on Animal Planet- and I realized that the man was sooooo passionate about what he did. He just couldn’t have behaved in any other way. He clearly knew what he was doing, what he was dealing with, and he loved every bit. Passion has a way of propelling one to unimaginable limits- it’s a driving force one just can’t resist. Like Steve had said in one of his documentaries, He was put on this planet exclusively for animal conservation and creating awareness about endangered wild life. And in spite of a relatively short life, I guess he has gone a long way in achieving this.

But he’s gone now, in the most unbelievable, unexpected way- when though one had always kind of expected something of this sort to happen, now one realises that one had almost thought that he was invincible-

May his family find the strength and fortitude to bear this loss.