Monday, February 20, 2006

*Tingling with Mortification...

I’m very reluctant to take up the initiative in activities especially in groups. I prefer to linger unobtrusively in the background, the main reason being I’m petrified of committing a blunder and ending up being the cynosure of all disapproving eyes! I get very embarrassed by the ensuing comments- well meaning or otherwise. I tend to feel mortified that I shy away from such occasions that might require my active participation in any way. This hesitation has often been misinterpreted as a non cooperative stance or attributed to sheer laziness.

There have been a few occasions when I’ve summoned the courage to try to do something pro actively either out of compulsion or as a bravado on my part. Mostly, I start off fairly well, but at some point I end up committing some kind of silly mistake. I become painfully conscious of eyes around me- and feel like sinking to the nether world a la- Sita maiyya.

A couple of weeks ago yet again I ventured to help out in a group activity in our colony timidly yet enthusiastically. I seemed to be doing quite ok, and my confidence was slowly building up….alas, some more moments- and there I had done it again! Though everybody was very kind and considerate about my blunder, as usual , I myself was my most unmerciful critic. Hot, embarrassed tears stung my eyes, and I was overwhelmed by the same hopeless sensation in my being. Somehow , I kept mumbling apologies incoherently and made a get away at the next possible moment.

I’m sorely tempted to keep away from such situations again in the future, but like my husband says, I don’t think I should keep running away. I’m no longer a kid who can escape responsibilities ,and at my age , I’m required to do my bit in society and cannot simply shrug off my responsibility… I also realize that this sense of mortification is only within my own mind and the people around me usually do not give it so much of importance. Yeah true, they do have a good, healthy laughter over me but its never in malice. All I need to do is join them in the laughter and keep moving…I’ll get there some day soon-
*p.s: and the title of this blog has been lifted from a sentence in a story "Face on the wall" by E.V.Lucas- was very impressed with the expression and love to use it whenever the oppurtunity presents...and btw, its an engrossing story...

5 comments:

bharath said...

"We don't have freedom if we don't have the freedom to make mistakes."

Self-consciousness detracts from the quality of work. And it leads to more mistakes, even when you are very skilled. I think, this is why Geeta says: Karmanye Va Adhikaraste Ma Phaleshu Kadachana Emmanuel Kant arrived at the same conclusion independently in Critique of Pure Reason (and thats a book which is opposite of anything engrossing) :)

I will try to get hold of that story. :)

Usha said...

Hey nobody is perfect. Everyone commits blunders but the trick is to make blunders, correct them in the best possible way and take it to the finish. Next time, we are wiser for the experience. It is the willingness to participate and contribute our best that is more important than being perfect. I have been there and done that and I know that we can overcome it with sheer determination.
all the best.

bharath said...

usha, i got a take on that. i think everyone has the perfect combination of imperfections. :)

Alapana said...

Show me one person who is Perfect? I dont find anyone,Infact i dont think God is all perfect.
Dear Ardra,Its all a game of winning and loosing,and what makes the difference is to know if you made an effort or not.And I am proud to know that you did make an effort. And no tears next time and you wont run away anytime:)

sinusoidally said...

Ardra so long you think you are okay in your own eyes you do not need other people's approval to be perfect. We all make mistakes.