Monday, May 23, 2005

At the Temple Festival-1

Returning- for now

2 days later, we left for Kottakkal- that special place in my heart- because it was temple Festival time…still I was not too enthusiastic abt going- the reasons- well, there were a few reasons which were not logical enough- as usual I was wary abt the reception, abt feeling welcome, I was doubtful if I’d be interested enough to stay awake thru the nightly performances of Kathakali- of late a strange kind of detachment has creeped over my soul- a a weird kind of disinterest in several things- why, and how, I’m not sure- I discern a sense of inclination towards keeping to myself, a need to dissociate myself from things happening around me- a lack of interest in participation- a need to stay aloof from what and whom, am not very sure, and I have to consciously work at arousing myself from this dumb stupor- simply because I feel that I’m not feeling the right things- I think it is a more selfish kind of instinct than anything else, and I have no idea why I feel this way- and perhaps it is this safe margin of virtuality that attracts me more than reality. Is it some kind of escapism? Virtuality entails lesser risk- risk of what- not sure exactly- may be something to do with space and freedom and privacy…

Anyways, let that be- yea, so here we were back again in my land of memories- yet another had gone by, and once again I was breathing the air of my favourite place. As usual there was a tinge of medicinal fragrance to the air with the Ayurvedic medicinal factory close by…I closed my eyes and breathed deeply- and in my mind I had returned home- I opened my eyes and familiarity vapourised…outwardly everything seemed the same- almost…but there was something different to the feeling of being there- last year too I had felt it, this year even more…what had changed- was it the place or perhaps it was me who had changed. Last year, there were still a few remnant vestiges of an overboding sense of loss- of a sense of alienness ( is there such a word?) a feeling of vague unrest…but today something was different. I had been clinging to a fast depleting sense of belonging, unwilling to let go, insisting on remembered belongingness- a sense of remembered proprietership. and yet today- I did not feel the need to hold on anymore- I was finally ready to let go- I was finally ready to accept that I had moved on- and so had everything else and everyone else- I no longer belonged- I was only a visitor- I had been holding on to a mirage- This place was no more a coming back to- it was just a visit- and that is how it would always be- I belonged elsewhere- atleast for now- until I move on again- why had I been so reluctant to accept the facts? Why did I want to cling on to something so ephemeral? I don’t know…somewhere it still rankles, but I can take it now… of course I still had the memories- nobody can take that away, that which had been- once, long ago…

Some of the older people recognized my face- they remembered how I too had been a part of this place- the youngsters of course were courteous to the visitor- they had no idea how much “their” place meant to this visitor who would return to another place…they had no idea- Until last year, I felt slightly miffed at this feeling of not being accepted as belonging, but this year, I did not. Yet again, a few sleeping memories rustled- caught up with times- made polite enquiries- how have u been? Everything fine? and a whole year got reduced into a single syllable ‘yes’. Where did all the intermittent moments go? What did it matter at this point of time? And finally after the festival was over, the festoons and capers came down- the drums and cymbals silenced, - Farewell…yet again- until may be next year? And what are the moments that await each of us until then?

4 comments:

buckwaasur said...

wow ardra...this was my favorite part among the three...ur introspections are a joy to read...:-)

bleu said...

wow! sense of detachment bcuz of disappoinment with reality that it does not offer what we are used to from virtuality? (like instant appreciation, all the soft talking, maybe even age group ...).

all this time reduced to a 'yes' very profound.

Maltova said...

Mar-Apr are months for temple festivals in almost every part of kerala. Nenmara beat Thrissur this time, while it rained during T'puram.

Ive got nothing to say as such abt the blog, other then "as always beautifully writen". Will read the second part later :). hope you&fmly r doin well

FunnyCide said...

Ardra,
Missed you! Glad you're back and wrote a blog to make up for the disappearance.. ;)

Nice blog, like buck said, your introspections are the best of all.

I can relate at some level to the sense of alienation. It happens to me whenever I return home [parents' home I mean].. Usually I end up coming back before I even come to terms with the feelings.

But again as soon as I come back here I feel the same lack of sense of belonging. Sometimes I feel I cannot belong anywhere.. no matter where I am, no matter how familiar the situation and the place is, I always feel a little removed from the whole surroundings.. I usually end up with a third person experience of the whole thing..

again, I am digressing and talking about me, me and some more me. :))

Do you think it is about space, freedom and privacy? I think it is something much deeper than that also! [at least I would like to think so, but if you figure it out let me know!! :)]

the lines where you are coming to terms with moving on are beautifully written. I feel a tug at my heart and a knot in my stomach on reading it.. Though I havent yet come to terms with letting go and moving on.. with a few things, glad that you have. Keep writing more often.